Home is where the heart is, right? At least, it should be, and I hate that for most of you dealing with a narcissist, home is anything but your sanctuary.
A place where you can never truly exhale and relax, that constant low-level tension that burns a hole through your nervous system? You aren't imagining those things, and more.
By design, the narcissist has created an environment for you that is both cold and cruel, and I've studied this topic to offer you 5 ways they do it.
If you can never feel at ease in your own home, it's because the narcissist you live with has made it so, using the following toxic techniques.
1The narcissist moves your things around the house
What better way to ensure that you're constantly kept on your feet in your own home? Moving your things around keeps you on edge, confused, frustrated, and never really feeling as though your stuff truly belongs to you.
You put your keys or charger down, they are found in a totally different place. You leave your book on the coffee table, and by that evening, it's gone.
"I don't know what book you mean." "I didn't see anything there." "Why would I move it?" "I think you've probably picked it up and mislaid it." "Perhaps you should take better care of your stuff."
Makes you want to scream, right? I don't blame you. Time again this is what you're telling me goes on in your own lives at your homes, and I can confirm that this is one way a narcissist will make sure you're never relaxed.
Even when you're at work, you wonder if your stuff will be where you left it that morning. Will you even ever see it again?
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This isn't about you or the narcissist being forgetful. You leave things exactly where you hope to find them, and you remember where you left them, too.
I just want to let you know that nothing in the space you call home is ever really going to be fully yours all the while you live with a narcissist.
Having your things be moved around will tamper with your sense of order and routine, too, which only adds fuel to the fire.
You should at least be able to know where they are, but it's always going to be constantly interrupted.
2Noises are made during the most inconvenient and worst times
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
Right as you're about to sit down, you're greeted with a noise. And I don't even want to be specific here, because the possibilities are endless:
A slamming door. A cabinet in the kitchen slamming. Sighing loudly from the next room, or even in the same room. The TV volume cranks up further and further. Footsteps that sound like misery in real time.
There's nothing in particular that you can call out and say, "Hey, is this necessary," but it's there, constantly humming away in the background so that you can never relax in peace for long.
It actually gets to the point where even peace feels loud because you're waiting for the next noise that will make you jump or keep you on guard.
Every time, it works, right? You tense up. You revert back to alert. You inhale sharply.
For the narcissist, this is a great way to earn control without saying a word or starting an argument with you. They know that the entire mood of the house rests upon their shoulders and how they carry themselves.
This is so powerful for the narcissist because it's not something you can put your finger on, but yet it always seems to exist in the place you call home.
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3The narcissist asks you questions that aren't even questions at all
"Did you move my phone?" "Are you just going to sit there and do nothing?" "Did you even think to ask me before you went ahead and did that?"
Questions that aren't really what they claim to be, but instead little attacks aimed at you and crop dusted within your peace, so that you feel anything but peaceful.
When you are calm, you are harder to manage for any narcissist, but when you're on edge, you are naturally going to be more at their mercy. If you're calm, you're thinking clearly. If you're anxious, you're looking to them for answers; being dependent on their thoughts and opinions you could easily hold as your own.
These fragmented interrogations make you alert and apologetic enough to keep you feeling uneasy, and that's the narcissist's win right there.
You don't deserve these kinds of questions thrown your way, making you feel like you're constantly doing something wrong. I hear from clients all the time telling me they feel guilty even to just sit down and enjoy a coffee on the couch because it always ends with the narcissist dropping questions that insinuate they're doing something wrong.
You're not.
4The narcissist makes plans that they didn't run by you first
Even if they did, you likely didn't agree with them, but the narcissist went with them anyway.
The narcissist's family is coming over later that evening, and you had no idea until they all turned up at the door. You've got to go somewhere at the weekend that you weren't asked about, and the same for errands you've been forced to run.
You desperately needed a break as your week at work was so stressful, yet here you are, unable to do that in your own home.
One day, you try to object. After all, you have a right to say no, right? What you get back is typical narcissistic behavior and retort:
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"I told you about this weekend." "You never listen." "Can't I enjoy anything?" "Don't you like my family?"
You're the bad guy, and I know a lot of you would believe this, too.
You didn't mishear anything though, make no bones about it. You just weren't told because the narcissist likes to treat your time with the disrepute they think it deserves.
5Right before bed is the time the narcissist raises the heavy issues
At the exact time you want to close your eyes, the narcissist makes sure that you're kept wide awake by their questions, accusations, silent treatment, or just plain yelling.
One client attested:
"I go upstairs and he follows me. I can tell by the way he stomps up the stairs that he's going to start yelling. I've learned that no amount of lavender spray will help me sleep after he is done."
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That's the crux of it, right? The narcissist wants you to never feel safe, no matter how tired you feel.
"This credit card bill is ridiculous. Have you seen it?" "I need you to help me with this issue." "You've been quiet all evening. What's your problem?"
Sleep is supposed to be a time you recover, but if it's disrupted, you're never going to get that time. Narcissists love it when you're tired and confused, and easy to agree with whatever they say.
I think that's why they love making your life hell at night.
