It sounds easy enough to leave a narcissist. You get up one day and decide to pack your bag, walk out that door, and refuse to glance back even just once.
But the reality? You'd be on the phone to them by lunchtime, apologising for something you didn't do, listening to them say, "I knew you'd come to your senses."
If only it were that simple! I know it isn't, and I know that makes wanting to leave even more frustrating for a lot of you.
If you're trying to leave someone who makes doing so impossible from the moment you met them, then these 9 smart moves to make before you finally walk away are for you!
1 Told them yet? I hope not!
Before people leave a narcissist, they frequently make one huge mistake:
They announce the breakup before they get a chance to get out safely. It's common, and I really want to tell you how silly this is.
I know you're probably keen to tell the world, but the moment those words leave your mouth, you're going to be seeing the narcissist shift from one state of being to another. Have you seen it before? You'll be nothing without me. Fine, try to leave.
But you won't be loved by anyone else. Good luck trying to find your happy ending without me. I hate to also break it to you, but it can get even worse than this, and I'm sure that's something you've had to deal with yourself.
My advice to you first off, would be to stay quiet. Stay quiet. I want you to form a plan, make sure you stick to it, and don't speak a word of it until you're ready to leave and step both feet out of the door.
Write it down somewhere safe, not on a shared device, not in a note app they can see. Somewhere only you can access when you need it.
Speaking up before you're ready can cause your plan to backfire and get you into real trouble with the narcissist. Think of yourself, and prioritize yourself at all times.
2 Documentation is key. Get it together
Don't forget any of it either. Identification is crucial if you want to get a job, a new place to live, or travel anywhere and without it, you'll be lost very quickly. Get all your bank statements and security numbers together, keep them in a folder and somewhere safe.
The narcissist will use them to hold you back if they can get their hands on them first, so it is imperative that you do this. What you'll notice is that any narcissist who has your documents will deny having even seen them.
I had a client whose ex hid her passport for months, then swore blind he'd never touched it. She found it taped inside a shoebox in his closet.
Don't fall for this. If you can get copies, do that, too. I don't want to sound dramatic here, I want to protect you. This is essential if you're planning on leaving. This is your life we're talking about.
3 Bank account that's yours
Please, do this today. Set it up, make sure it's only in your name, and if you can, do it with a different bank to any the narcissist is associated with. I know it might seem sneaky, but you've every right to do it and protect yourself.
Remember the kind of person you're dealing with, and you'll probably be glad in the future that you took this step to protect yourself and your finances.
Financial abuse is one of the narcissist's oldest and best used tricks, so if you can outdo them in some way, you're going to stand a much better chance of leaving them. Don't let them tell you:
You'd never survive without me. I'm the one who keeps all the bills paid in this house. You don't know how to handle money.
See also 7 Weaknesses Every Narcissist Has That Will Destroy Them In The EndOne client told me her ex used to sneer, "You can't even read a bank statement without me." She now runs her own budget spreadsheet and laughs about it.
You're capable, and you can do it. Start today, and get that account open. Put money in it as regularly as you can.
4 If you have one trusted person, tell them
Find that person and hold onto them. Trusted people are hard to come by these days, so you need to ensure you've got that person you can go to during the moments you're planning on leaving. All it takes is one, too.
Someone who you know won't let it slip that you're planning to get out and walk away. You need to know they won't tell a soul, and they can witness your plan and encourage you that it's the right idea.
This person should know where you're going, what you're doing, and how you're doing it. More than that, you need someone who is going to be able to check in on you regularly, making sure you're okay and have everything you need.
There's nothing big or dramatic tie in with this person; just someone who cares about you, and is a solid person you can depend on. When things get loud, you'll want someone who you can turn to.
One person in the know is protection. Two is a rumour waiting to happen. Pick carefully, and pick someone who has never once flinched under pressure from your narcissist.
5 Every communication needs a screenshot
Take them, take them all. If you are going to need to use them against the narcissist at a later date, you're going to need to make sure you get in there before the narcissist deletes them for you on your chat line.
You need to make sure you keep a timeline of everything they send you, and all the ways they've made threats against you, belittled you, or admitted they've done something terrible.
You want all of that on paper, so you can hold it up and say, "This is what I've had to put up with."
The smear campaign from them will inevitably come, but that's not your problem. Let them. You can't be told you're crazy if you have evidence to the contrary, right?
Having receipts matters more than you think it does, and in the long run, it may save your skin over and over.
Screenshot the good moments too. The love bombing, the sweet apologies, the promises. When they later say, "I never said that," you have it right there in colour.
6 Your "on the day" plan of action
Have you got one yet? I hope so. You're going to need it. On the day you leave, you need to know with precision how you're going to get out, and what that looks like for you. Who will collect you? Are you getting a cab?
Will anyone be with you? Think it through and get it together like the world's best checklist, and don't let yourself down.
You can't afford to improvise on a day like this, because if one thing goes wrong, it will all come crashing down around you, and you don't want that.
Having that step by step plan means you get out safely, and in a way that means you can move on without being pulled back, or having one last round of conflict with the very person who has destroyed you.
Picture them at the door going, "Wait, can we just talk?" If your plan is solid, you don't have to answer. You're already gone.
Your head needs to be clear.
7 Be aware of the pullback on the horizon
Don't believe for a second that you're going to get away without some kind of attempt to pull you back by the narcissist.
The difference is you need to have that distance between you before they try to do that, so you can stay where you are in your new place, and they can stay in your past. Yes, they will try to love-bomb you.
They might not leave you alone for a little while, but you can do all you can to prevent that. Block, delete, turn your socials to private, and delete anyone who may be feeding the narcissist information about you.
And expect the classic lines. "I've been to therapy." "I finally see what I did." "Nobody will ever love you like I did." Same script, different day.
I promise I'll change. Don't believe it. Keep moving on.
8 Pack a bag they'll never see
There's a bag, and then there's the bag. The one you actually need when the day comes.
Keep it small. Keep it hidden. Somewhere they wouldn't think to look, and I don't mean under the bed. Think a friend's house, the trunk of a car they never drive, the back of your locker at work.
What goes in it? Copies of documents. Passport, birth certificate, bank details, anything with your name on it that matters. A bit of cash if you can manage it. A spare phone charger. A change of clothes. Medication if you take any.
A photo or two of the kids if you have them.
The reason for the secrecy is simple. If a narcissist sniffs out a packed bag, they will use it. They'll accuse you of cheating. They'll say you're abandoning the family. They'll go through it, find something, twist it.
So you pack quietly, slowly, and somewhere else. It might sit there for weeks. That's fine. It's waiting for you.
9 Know where you're going before you go
Leaving without a destination is how people end up back on the sofa by Tuesday. I've seen it. The plan felt solid, and then night one hits, the panic sets in, and suddenly going back feels easier than figuring out where the toothbrush lives.
So sort it before you go. A friend's spare room, a family member two towns over, a cheap motel for the first few nights, a women's shelter if that's what you need. Whatever it is, have the address, have the key, have the code.
And tell someone. One person who knows you're coming, when you're arriving, and roughly what time. If you don't turn up, they need to know something is off.
I always say the same thing to clients at this stage, "You don't need a perfect landing spot. You just need a real one." A friend's couch counts. A quiet motel room counts.
The narcissist is banking on you having nowhere to go. Take that card off the table before you walk out the door.
