If the narcissist could have their way, they'd make you forget all the things they did to you that protected them, and not you.
Narcissists rely on certain things to become hazy and distorted for you, because then you'll just let their abuse continue and carry on for years and years.
I've sat with so many people who've spent years convincing themselves it wasn't that bad. And every single time, it was that bad. Probably worse. Sound familiar?
Well, I'm here to tell you that there are 6 things all narcissists do that you should never ignore. Don't turn a blind eye and make excuses for them…
…It's time to get serious
1 The time you were crying and they didn't flinch
Going in strong, I know. I had to do it because it's such a big one. How many of you have been so upset at some point or another, and witnessed the narcissist you know not even flinch?
You were sitting on the kitchen floor, barely able to catch your breath. You were in the car, desperately hoping to be able to pull over so you can wipe your tears and blow your nose. These are real tears; this is real pain.
It's the kind of crying that can break a person into two pieces.
One client told me she sobbed for an hour while he scrolled his phone on the sofa. When she finally got up, he said, "Are you done yet?" Can you imagine?
Yet the narcissist gave you nothing in return. Not so much as a gesture. They didn't reach out to you. No pat on the shoulder, hug, or comforting word of solace. They didn't ask you what was wrong, instead, their eyes watched, or maybe not even that much.
I've heard from some of you that the narcissist you knew would leave the room, or even continue to argue! A narcissist will do this to you when they don't want your pain to become bigger than them. It's the most obvious sign that you don't matter.
2 Anything they said out loud
All the sentences the narcissist ever spoke to you still live somewhere inside of you. You won't remember them all right now, but when you're reminded of them in some way, they will float to the surface of your consciousness. It's strange when it happens, right?
You're innocently watching a TV show, and a horrible character comes out with a line that takes you right back to the time the narcissist was evil toward you, and you cried yourself to sleep. It's like you're right back there all over again.
One client of mine still flinches when she hears the phrase, "You'd be nothing without me." Her ex said it so often it became background noise. Now it's a trigger.
The line will have been delivered so sharply, with such precision that you will feel it land in your chest with a thud. People know what that's like, you know. They know how it feels because it happens to those who have survived a narcissist.
You aren't alone in your pain if that sounds familiar to you, and you should always remember it when you're feeling guilty or sad that you left the way you did, or if you're no longer in contact with them.
This is the reason, so don't you ever forget why that pain exists.
3 The way they treated you in front of other people
It matters, and it should never be forgotten. A narcissist will do all they can to make you feel certain ways. The little comment at the dinner table will do it, and often is the case.
There may even be a glance your way from across the room, or the joke in front of others made at your expense. You'll remember the way their friends laughed just that little too loudly, and you will recall wanting the room to open up and swallow you whole.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI had one client tell me her ex would squeeze her knee under the table, hard, while smiling at everybody else. Nobody saw a thing. She felt it for days.
This wasn't a mistake or some kind of glitch, nor was it a bad mood the narcissist was in. This was mean, and it was their way of making you shine that little less brightly.
If they can do this, they can teach the entire room how to treat you, and what that standard is. Sure, it may have been subtle at times, but you knew. You were used to it; something you should never have been.
Don't forget how being around them in public actually felt, and allow your memory of them in this way to have a protectiveness over it that empowers you to stay away from them.
4 When they apologized … except it wasn't an apology at all
I'm so sorry I did that. It won't happen again. Two weeks later, it happened again! I am sorry. I will go to therapy. They never go to therapy! The same behaviors crop up in a narcissist because they never intend on stopping all the toxic things they do.
A client said hers used to cry during apologies. Actual tears. She'd hold him, comfort him, end up apologizing back. By morning he was back to calling her useless. Sound familiar?
Shocking, right? I mean, they're so good at saying sorry and sounding genuine, until they come along and inevitably reach out and hurt you all over again.
A lie carries a lot of weight with it, especially when it comes from someone who is only looking to say the right thing, not do the right thing. Trust the patterns you see, not the words you hear.
Each apology may as well come with its own stage and tickets for sale, because they're nothing but performances. An apology without change is nothing but a tool to use against you, so you hope that the next one will finally be the apology that changes everything for good.
It will never happen. If you want to be with somebody who really cares about you, then applying your faith into a narcissist is the biggest way to not have that.
5 The times you won in life and they stayed weirdly silent
"Pay attention to those who don't clap when you win."
You've probably seen that quote floating around social media, and let me tell you, it's one of my favorites. It hits home for so many of us because we know those people who, no matter what success you receive in life, will never smile for you or celebrate you. Why?
Because they can't stand the fact that you got where you got in life and made it possibly even bigger than they did. You have a glow about you because you achieved something big, and the narcissist can't even stand to look at you.
I had a client get a promotion she'd worked years for, and her partner's response? "Oh. They must've been desperate." That was it. No hug, no congrats, nothing.
Do we need these people in our lives? We do not. You should never ignore a person who doesn't cheer for you the way you cheer for them.
Ask yourself instead why they refuse to be happy for you, and what is it about your success that seems so bad to them? I'll tell you: it's jealousy.
6 The way you felt that day you finally left
Think about that day right now, because it should be the one day you revert to when any doubt that it was the right thing to do crosses your mind. I know it wasn't a day of joy, because it will have been accompanied with this hollow feeling.
It wasn't even a feeling of peace, just that a weight you'd carried for a long time is no longer there.
One client told me she sat in her car in a supermarket parking lot for two hours after she left. Didn't cry. Just sat. Said her body finally stopped buzzing. That's the feeling.
This is the truest sign from your body that you did the right thing. Your nervous system was finally able to breathe. So on the days you feel lonely and guilty, go back to the day you walked away and remember exactly why you did it.
7 The promises that just kept getting recycled
You heard it so many times you could mouth it before they even said it.
"I'll change. I promise. Just give me one more chance."
"Things are going to be different from now on. You'll see."
"Once I get this job/finish this project/sort out my head, everything will be better."
And you wanted to believe them, didn't you? Of course you did. You loved them. Or you loved who they pretended to be, at least.
But the promises were just on a loop. Same words, slightly different packaging, depending on what they'd just done wrong.
Did anything actually change? Not really. Maybe for a week. Maybe for a long weekend if you were lucky. And then back to square one, with a fresh set of promises ready to roll out the next time they got caught.
Don't ignore that pattern. Promises that get recycled aren't promises, they're stalling tactics. They were buying time, not changing.
And every time you accepted one, they learned exactly how much they could get away with.
8 How they acted when you got sick
Oh, this one. This one sits with me because I've heard it so many times I've lost count.
You got sick. Maybe flu, maybe something worse. And instead of soup and a blanket, you got a sigh. A heavy, dramatic sigh, as if your fever was a personal inconvenience to them.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A Sweat"You're always ill," they'd mutter. Or my favorite, "I don't feel great either, you know."
Suddenly your illness becomes a competition, doesn't it? You're lying there barely able to lift your head, and they're telling you about their headache from three days ago.
Some of them go cold. They disappear into another room. They pick a fight on the day you have a fever, because how dare you not be available to them?
And the kicker? When they're sick, you'd better be at their bedside like a full time nurse. Temperature checks, medicine on time, the whole show.
Do not gloss over this. The way a person treats you when you're weak tells you everything.
