Wanting to live independently is a huge step in healing from narcissistic abuse, and even if right now it's just a thought, it's still a great sign that you want to develop a sense of self again.
Maybe part of the reason why you haven't taken steps to be more independent is because you know the narcissist in your life will panic. I'll be honest… they will.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, the second I mentioned opening my own bank account, he lost it." And that was it. A bank account. Imagine.
But why? Why is it that when you want to do something like this for yourself, the narcissist sees it as a problem? Today, you find out.
1 Your identity was shaped by them, and doesn't belong to you
When you meet a narcissist, they only see a person they can re-mold. You might come with your own identity, hobbies, likes and dislikes, but all those will be set to change the moment you get involved in a relationship with them.
The problem is, you were never meant to fit your own mold, you were only supposed to be fluid enough to become what the narcissist wants you to be. Standing up for yourself, for example, has to go. Trusting your instincts must be removed from your character traits.
I had a client tell me her narcissist actually said, "You're so much better since you stopped seeing your sister so much." Better for who, exactly? Not for her.
You surrender your hobbies one by one, you give up the classes you enjoy, the friends you keep, even the family you rely on for support. When you hand your courage over to them, they will be in charge of it and so much more.
It's then you are re-shaped into what you need, rather than remaining who you are. Yes, that's a big change for you, but it also removes your autonomy, and keeps you relying on them for everything. Imagine losing that and being exactly who you were meant to be.
Fear in the narcissist would be drastically unlocked, that's for sure!
2 When you signal your independence, the narcissist signals their fear
Dependent people have no boundaries. The awareness to have any isn't present either, as those people find themselves often just doing as they're told, or whatever it takes to keep the peace.
Dependent people look to those who are more authoritative in the relationship for answers, almost like an automatic default
What I've described there is a narcissist's dream! Taking control? Check! Loving being needed? Check! Telling people what to do and how to think?
I had a client tell me her ex actually said, "You don't need new friends, you've got me." That was the line that woke her up. Who says that out loud? A scared narcissist, that's who.
Big check! Independent people set boundaries, and keep them. When you're just starting out in your journey of independence, you will learn how to build your confidence through applying limitations. You get to focus on yourself. You make new friends without needing the narcissist's permission.
Doing this would absolutely terrify them. Suddenly you make them so irrelevant that they fear you no longer needing them any longer. This is their worst nightmare coming true, and you are the one for once, pulling the strings.
3 Their control is threatened by you
If you were in a relationship that was healthy, you'd be encouraged to be independent. You'd be gently pushed by your partner to fight for what you want, and tolerate things within your scale of limit. Two healthy people together in a relationship still means two people are two people.
You're just together to complement each other, and everything else grows from there. When you enter what you think is a healthy relationship with a narcissist, you won't get that encouragement.
I had a client say to me, "Every time I made a plan without him, he'd suddenly have an emergency." Sound familiar? That's not coincidence, that's a leash being yanked.
You won't feel celebrated as an individual. You'll instead come to understand that freedom simply isn't allowed. Your autonomy is banned, because what you'd do by being your own person is give the narcissist zero room to be able to control you. Freedom isn't allowed in narcissistic abuse relationships.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou think you're free, but really you're being heavily monitored and controlled, and you have reins attached to you that you can't cut or break free from unless you become fearlessly independent…
…and stay that way.
4 The narcissist feels worthless as you grow
When people start making improvements to their lives, you'd think those around them would be happy for them, I know I would if it were somebody I care about. I'd want the best for them, and that would include offering my support and encouragement.
When it comes to narcissists, they're only happy when you're beneath them. They only feel good when you're failing, or not meeting your goals. They love it when you aren't making any improvements. They think:
Why are you thinking about yourself? Why aren't you thinking about me? Why should you get all the glory?
I had a client tell me her ex actually said, "You think you're better than me now?" the second she enrolled in a course. That's it. That's the whole tantrum.
Why should I support you when your success makes me look like I'm failing? Expect to see them blow hot and cold with you, making you feel bad for daring to take a chance on yourself.
They might mock you for wanting to do something productive with your life or follow a passion. You end up doubting yourself, and so you quit whatever it was you were working toward. Then comes the real toxicity:
The narcissist will then point a finger at you and call you a quitter. Is there anything worse than having to tolerate this? For the narcissist, yes. Worse for them would be you carrying on with whatever you're doing and making a go of your life on your own terms.
Independence…
…The ultimate revenge.
5 Your light is dimmed constantly
I don't know if that's what you wanted for yourself, but that will be the life you have unless you start to live more independently. Narcissists want you beside them, but they want you invisible.
They want to see you sit in darkness because your light will overpower them if allowed to glow naturally. Before you met the narcissist, you will have had that light in your eyes, and now it's been cut to dim by snide remarks, fights picked by them, sabotaging your progress.
I had a client say to me, "He used to roll his eyes every time I got excited about something." And there it is. Small, constant, deliberate. A slow dimmer switch.
All this time, they fought for your light to go out because if it stayed lit, you just might leave. For them, this is a big fear, and one they can't stand to think about. Keeping you dependent will take away the risk of you wanting to shine.
Keeping you dependent keeps their fear and panic low. For them, it's a no brainer.
6 The narcissist's fear of losing control dictates everything
A narcissist won't hesitate in taking away your bank cards. If they don't like your friends, they will isolate you from them. If your friends are agreeable and get on with the narcissist, they will be able to stay. Your passions go, your hobbies dissolve, you're fat and ugly.
They criticize you all the time. With each passing day you become smaller and smaller in aura, while they feed off your misery and become bigger in ego and entitlement. The more you resist and say no, the more panicked the narcissist will become.
I had a client whose husband cut up her gym membership card because she'd lost weight and looked too good. Control disguised as concern, isn't that always the way?
That's where you stop feeling guilty for doing so, and start seeing that kind of approach to life as detrimental to the narcissist, and empowering for you. Say no more. Do the thing. See your friends. Wear that dress. Apply for the job they tell you is above your station.
Invoke maximum fear with your independence, and watch them panic and shrivel to nothing. You deserve that control.
7 The Quiet Goodbye They Never Saw Coming
There's no big confrontation. No final speech. No door slam.
That's the part that rattles them the most, isn't it?
You just… go quiet. You stop arguing your case. You stop explaining yourself. You stop reaching for them when they pull that old trick of going cold for three days hoping you'll panic.
And one day, without an announcement, you're just not there in the way you used to be.
They'll text, "You've been weird lately." You'll read it and put your phone down.
They're used to the dramatic exits, the tears, the "please don't do this" conversations they can twist into another round of control. A quiet goodbye gives them nothing to grab onto. Nothing to manipulate. No emotional fuel.
And I'll tell you what clients say to me all the time. "I didn't even plan it. I just woke up one day and didn't want to fight for it anymore."
That's independence doing its quiet work in the background. They never see it coming because it doesn't make a sound.
8 Watch Them Scramble for the Old You
You'll see it happen, and it's quite a sight.
Suddenly, the narcissist who couldn't be bothered to text you back for days is blowing up your phone. The one who criticized your cooking is reminiscing about that pasta dish you used to make. The one who rolled their eyes at your friends is asking how they're doing.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatWhat's going on here? They're scrambling. They want the old you back, the version that bent and folded and apologized for things she didn't do.
"Remember when we were happy?" Oh, you mean when I was small enough to fit into the box you built for me?
They'll try every angle. Nostalgia, guilt, pity, even a sudden interest in therapy (which never actually happens, by the way).
And here's the thing. They're not scrambling for you. They're scrambling for who you were when they had the upper hand. That person is gone, and good riddance.
Let them keep reaching. You're not there anymore.
