Hard truth time:
Leaving a narcissist is far from simple. You want it to be, and I want that for all victims of narcissistic abuse. I want an easy step out of Toxic Town, into a peaceful life.
A client said to me recently, "Alexander, people keep telling me to just walk away, but they don't get it." And she's right. They don't. They can't.
People who've never been with a narcissist will tell you, "Just leave."
I know that feels impossible. This is not a normal break up. Instead, you're untangling yourself from potentially years of abuse, and these 7 brutal truths will go a long way to showing you how leaving a narcissist can only be understood by those who are going through it.
1 At first, it feels nothing like freedom
I will go ahead and tell you that leaving a narcissist feels nothing like the freedom you'll hope it will be. At least, not at first.
Before you get to that light relief, you'll undergo a spell of grief, which might seem odd, but I want you to think about what's going on. You're experiencing a loss, and even though the narcissist hasn't died, you're still losing them.
That's where it can get quite interesting, because looking at the facts, you'd be crazy to grieve a toxic person, but that's not usually where the grief sits.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I'm grieving someone who never even existed." And honestly? That's the truest thing I've heard somebody say about leaving. It hits hard.
The grief will sit right where the fantasy version of the narcissist you have in your head remains. It's not real, but rather the version you wished they'd have been for you. Somebody who showed up and loved you.
Someone who was loyal and kind, and encouraged you to be yourself. Instead, you got the abusive version, that will have initially been intensely loving, and that's where you held out hope it'd last and strengthen.
Leaving the fantasy means you have to grieve it, and it can be a dark time for survivors.
2 You can't help but keep defending them
Leaving a narcissist should look like walking away and never looking back. Unfortunately, we don't live in that ideal world, and even after you've left, you'll still find yourself making excuses for everything they did, and every bad behavior they exuded.
You'll wish you didn't, but sadly, that's exactly what will happen, and it can feel brutal. You aren't confused at this point, so I don't want you to think this is about having second thoughts whether or not you did the right thing.
I had a client say to me, "But he wasn't always like that, Alexander." And I get it. You're not lying, you're just protecting the version of them you needed to be real.
This is much worse, and involves you having learned to gaslight yourself. You question your own reality and thoughts, you doubt yourself, and try to talk yourself out of how you're feeling.
That's where the irrational aspect of defending them comes in, and it will take a while to reprogram that part of you. That doesn't make this any less brutal.
3 Each time you have contact, it sets you back
Just one text is all it takes to feel as though your weeks of progress have been undone. It's like taking three steps forward, and two steps back, but the worst part is what the narcissist is doing with all of this.
One client told me she got a single message saying, "I was just thinking about you, hope you're okay." Six words. She cried for three days. Six words!
They know exactly what they're capable of, and the buttons they press when that text reaches you will fire up because the narcissist installed them! The narcissist knows all your weaknesses, and a little text with some attention may be all it takes to make you feel wistful and reflective.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI hate to say it, but it's a brutal way to live, and for you, it will feel so though you're stuck in limbo, wanting to move forward but intermittently being held back.
4 You'll be back and forth in your leaving until it's final
Does anybody know the amount of times most people will leave a narcissist before you actually leave for good? Three. Three attempts to free yourself from their power and control before you get to the point where enough is enough and you never return.
It's not about weakness, this is about whether or not you're prepared to bypass the shame you were programmed to feel when you first initiated the thought of going. This is damage the narcissist caused within you.
I had a client who left four times. The fourth time, she said, "I'm done feeling like I owe him an explanation for choosing myself." That was it. Done.
They want you broken so that you don't trust yourself or make good choices that support your wellbeing. When you move back and forth thinking, "Do I leave? Is this it? Do I return?", you're telling yourself that there is no closure to this situation.
There is, and eventually, you'll find that way, but not before it feels incredibly brutal.
5 Leaving for good happens in your mind
The big day you want can only happen when you decide it's time. You stop explaining yourself, and you start explaining to yourself that this is the only way to escape the abuse and cut the cycle.
Pack your bags, picture it all you want, but you haven't left until you've left. When that happens, it will feel like the best, most refreshing day of your life. You get to a point where you stop needing them to validate what they did to you and justify it.
I had a client tell me she'd mentally left her narcissist about fifty times before she actually walked. Every time, she'd talk herself out of it by Sunday. Sound familiar?
You stop looking for their apologies, and you start believing that a life without them is possible. It starts with a thought, but it ends with you not retracting that thought and replacing it with yet another excuse to stay.
Many victims think they've already left when they think about it, but without action and the affirmation that you aren't going to backtrack on your thought, thinking of leaving means nothing. You're still there, you're still stuck, you're still living with somebody who is abusing you.
To get out of that, have the thought, follow through, and stick to it.
6 The narcissist will ensure you're the problem
When a narcissist uses DARVO to control the narrative, you're never going to not be the problem. To deny your issues and reverse them on you will only make them the victim, and you the bad guy.
You repeatedly throw your apologies at them, only for them to never be good enough.
I had one client whose ex told her, "You know I only react this way because of how you speak to me." She apologized for months. He never once said sorry back.
The issue then is that you spend the rest of your time believing that you are the problem, and that you caused all the fractures within your relationship. It's far from the actual truth, and deep down you'll know that.
As you walk away feeling like you owe the narcissist something for your troubles, you'll never really fully believe that you deserve to be free from them.
7 Your nervous system goes on overdrive
Nervous systems are shot to pieces when you experience narcissism on a daily basis. I want you to remember one thing here. Narcissism isn't love, it's trauma bonding.
This is your nervous system's response to a person who wanted you to crave them through thick and thin, and who would do anything for you to stay. You were conditioned to love and need them, giving up your independence for a taste of what you think is love.
I had a client tell me her body would shake the second she heard his keys in the door. Months after leaving, the sound of any keys still made her freeze. Sound familiar?
It's not love. And you know what happened to you. You know how you've been treated. You were present for every opportunity they had to manipulate you, and you overlooked it because you wanted to keep the peace and have your happy ending.
You own that truth, and the narcissist will never be able to take it away from you.
8 The grief hits when you least expect it
You're fine. You're in the supermarket. You're reaching for the bread, and then suddenly you're crying in aisle four because they used to buy that exact loaf.
Where did that even come from?
Grief after leaving a narcissist doesn't follow a schedule. It doesn't politely show up when you've booked time off and stocked the fridge with tissues. It ambushes you. A song on the radio, a smell, a date in the calendar, the way somebody laughs in a coffee shop.
And here's the part that makes people feel completely insane. You're not grieving them. Not really. You're grieving the version of them you thought you had. The future you'd planned. The person you were before all of this happened to you.
That's a lot to mourn, isn't it?
Clients tell me, "I thought I was over it," and I always say the same thing. You don't get over this in a straight line. You get through it in waves. Some days the wave is small. Some days it knocks you flat.
Both are okay.
9 You'll miss them, and you'll hate that you do
Yeah. I had to put this one in because I know what you're thinking. "How could I possibly miss someone who treated me like that?"
But you will. And it's going to make you furious with yourself.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatYou'll miss the version of them that existed in the good moments. The laughter, the inside jokes, the way they made coffee, the random Tuesday when everything felt fine. Your brain doesn't store the abuse in HD. It stores the highlights, the soft bits, the bits that felt like love.
And then you'll catch yourself missing them and feel sick about it. "What is wrong with me?"
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. You're human, and humans bond. You bonded with a person, not a diagnosis. Of course there's a hole where they used to sit.
Missing them doesn't mean you should go back. It means you loved, and you're grieving. Those two things can sit side by side without one cancelling the other out.
Let yourself miss them. Just don't let yourself call them.
