If you were to ask anybody who has lived with a narcissist about what it's like to be in a car ride with them, they will struggle to hide their look of horror at having to recall those moments.
Cars aren't neutral; they are actually the narcissist's stop stage to perform, but this is a show you really wish you'd not shown up for.
I had a client describe getting in the car with her ex as "strapping into a ride you can't get off." That stuck with me. Doesn't it just say it all?
Once you start to read these five reasons why, you'll understand that being a passenger in a car with a narcissist should come with the biggest warning sign possible. Narcissists love to abuse in a car, and here's why.
1 You're unable to get out
Leaving is not an option when you're hurtling down the freeway at a speed the police would pull the narcissist over for
Even when they're not speeding, you're still effectively trapped in a car with them until you've reached your destination. This is not good, and I think is one of the biggest red flags of them all.
When you're at home, the narcissist knows you can leave whatever room you're in with them if it all gets too much. You're in the kitchen while they're yelling yet again? Walk out. You're in the bedroom while they barge in and start causing drama?
A client of mine once told me her ex would lock the doors as soon as she sat down. Click. That tiny sound still makes her flinch years later.
Leave, go to the bathroom and run a shower. A car gives you no options but to stay in it until you see the ride out together, and that is the best place for narcissists to abuse you, or anybody else they have with them.
I once knew somebody who told me a story about their brother, who was a real nasty piece of work. He had his thirteen year-old son in the car with him, and drove off from a confrontation in a rage.
Of course, he skidded around the corner and revved the car up the road so much, the whole street thought something terrible had happened. Can you imagine what that must be like for a grown adult, let alone a kid?
Absolutely terrifying, yet is a real excursion of power, and that's why narcissists love to do it.
2 You've no choice but to listen
It's impossible to be in a car and not listen. You can't pretend to be busy, or get up and go clean the dishes. There aren't other places to wander to, so you're stuck, belted in and still.
And you're sitting right beside the narcissist, too, as if everything else wasn't painful enough. This is partly why it feels so intense being in there with them.
It's like you're back at school, forced to sit at your table and listen while the narcissist lectures you about their latest injustice or complaint.
One client told me her ex would wait until they hit the freeway before starting. He knew she couldn't ask to get out. Convenient timing, wasn't it?
They really do use that time wisely, saving up their grievances for the next time you're sat with them. Knowing you're there with no escape route, the narcissist will use that moment and take full advantage of it.
For them, it's a great way to reassert the control they have over you. What is more controlling than knowing they have got you literally locked in and restrained anyway? And so you listen. You take it all in.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou roll your eyes; grateful at least the narcissist is unable to see that.
3 By default, they're in the 'driving seat'
In more ways than one, a narcissist driving is a narcissist in charge. The music is controlled alongside the temperature. They get to decide where to stop to fuel up, or if it's even worth pulling over. The route? Yeah, that's up to them, too, and don't they know it?
It's all parallel to the fact that the narcissist is also the one who controls the relationship, so the dynamics are the same, but the setting is different. Over time, and every time you dare get into a car with them, they're telling you that they're running it all.
There's no option for you other than to sit along for the ride and take whatever they decide to do. You hate jazz?
One client told me her ex would slam the steering wheel if she asked to stop for water. Water! Like she'd asked him to drive to the moon. Sound familiar?
They put it on and tell you that it's relaxing for them. You hate the cold? They will open the windows and tell you they like fresh air while driving.
The patterns always remain the same, and if I had a dollar for each time somebody sent me a message or email telling me that this aspect of narcissistic abuse was some of the worst for them I'd be pulling up alongside some of the richest people in the world in my yacht.
Then comes the worst part: you dare stop and ask to use a bathroom, and you're greeted with a sigh. You dare want to change the radio station, and you also get the kind of look that made you wish you'd never bothered asking.
One little moment of this can feel like nothing, but with a narcissist, it's never one moment. It's one after the other, after the other, and so on. Even the shortest drives can feel like hell.
4 They may witness, but they refuse to hear
To the outside world, or other cars passing you by, you just look like a normal couple or family on a regular car trip. You know this is not the case, and nobody knows what's really going on the other side of that windshield.
The narcissist is driving, and yelling a disgusting slur at the pedestrian innocently crossing the road at a light stop. The insult thrown at a driver who apparently can't drive or cut them up.
One client told me her ex would scream the worst things at her, then wave and smile at the driver next to them at the lights. Can you picture it?
Then there's the silent treatment that makes you feel as though the world sucked all the noise and color out of your life until you finally pull up where you were meant to go. You cry. It's awful, but to those who you pass, everything is normal.
This is where the narcissist really can thrive, and where they love to find themselves. Any normal situation that hides abuse is perfect for them, and they will utilize that scenario as much as they can.
5 You're unable to prove anything when you leave that car
Stepping out of the car, feeling slightly dazed and confused, you wish you could have captured it all, but there's no trail. No cameras, no texts; nothing but your memory, and the story the narcissist has ready to tell the world.
For them, they explode, and they can step out of the car as if nothing happened and paint that smile on. You however, aren't that lucky. You don't get over it as quickly because you're at the heart of their abuse.
I had one client tell me she sat in her driveway for twenty minutes after a car ride, just trying to remember what was even said. That's the trick, isn't it?
You're the one it's always aimed at, and it is eroding every part of you. You step out of the car, with no documents to prove any abuse occurred, and you're supposed to continue with your day like nothing happened.
It's not fair to be treated this way, and sometimes we don't have a choice in the matter. What starts off as a nice day becomes an excuse to lure you into a situation the narcissist knows you have no control over, and no way of getting out.
THAT is what they love the most.
6 The Silent Treatment Hits Different in a Car
Silence in a car is a whole other beast, isn't it?
You're sitting two feet away from them. You can hear them breathing. You can see their hands gripping the steering wheel a little too tight. And yet, not a single word. Not even a glance.
At home, you can walk into another room when they go cold. You can put the kettle on, call a friend, step into the garden for five minutes. In the car? You're trapped in their silence with nowhere to put yourself.
And it's loud, that silence. Deafening, actually. You start filling it in your own head. "What did I say? Was it the thing about my mum? Did I sigh too loud when they took that wrong turn?"
So what do you do? You start talking. Apologizing. Trying to coax them back. "Are you okay? Did I do something?"
That's exactly what they wanted. The silent treatment in a car isn't passive. It's a setup. They're waiting for you to crack first, and you usually do.
7 They Pick the Worst Possible Moments
Right before you walk into your mom's birthday dinner. On the way to a job interview. Five minutes before you pull up to your friend's wedding. That's when they pick the fight.
Coincidence? Please.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatThey know exactly what they're doing. You're trapped in the car, you're already half nervous about whatever's coming, and now they've decided this is the perfect moment to bring up that "thing" you did three weeks ago. The one you thought was done with.
"I just think it's something we need to talk about before we get there."
No you don't! You want me rattled. You want me walking into that room with red eyes and shaking hands so I can't shine, can't connect, can't enjoy a single second of it.
I've had clients tell me they've sat in parking lots trying to fix their makeup and steady their breathing before going into events they were genuinely looking forward to. All because the narcissist decided the drive was the perfect ambush window.
It isn't bad timing. It's the whole point.
