It's worth saying that while narcissists don't cause medical and literal brain damage in the sense of being irreversible, they do change how your brain works. It's worrying, right?
The fact that somebody can abuse you to the point where your brain feels so totally damaged that you can't function in the way you want to.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. I couldn't remember conversations we'd had the day before." That's what years of this does.
Let's look at this as all the stress they have put you under. Your memory, your focus, your emotion regulation; it all counts. I'm happy to report that this is reversible with time and support, and it starts today by looking at 9 signs of brain damage after narcissistic abuse.
1 You forget snippets of conversations
This is a real biggy, and I promise you it does not make you a person who is losing their mind. Chronic stress does cause working memory to malfunction. If you think about it, you've spent so long being on such high alert. Eventually, your brain will take a hit.
I had a client recently apologize three times in one session for losing her train of thought. Three times! And every time, I told her, your brain is healing, not breaking.
It's frazzled having to cope for so long in a situation that has left you uneasy and exhausted. It does return, I promise. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen, and it's important to remember that.
The next time you're mid conversation with somebody and you forget the one important thing they told you, just remember this is for a reason. The brain wanted to protect you all those years, and now it just needs a rest.
2 Your timeline starts to get a little fuzzy
When did that happen, was it last month, or last year? Why can't you remember? What is going on? Did you go on that trip before or after your mother's birthday?
Survivors of domestic abuse are known to not date their own memories, and that's nothing to be ashamed of, or worried about. Every day you were with your abuser was a day you got through, no matter how you felt at the end of it.
A client once said to me, "I can't even tell you what year we went to Spain. I just remember crying in the hotel bathroom." That's what it does to you.
Everything feels chaotic because that's exactly what it is. Over time, you will file information, but it may not be in the order you'd hoped. It's like a big blur, you know? Often that's where survivors often find themselves when trying to replay their abusive accounts. They forget.
Timelines get chopped up and reshuffled, and it's no coincidence.
3 When you have to make small decisions, you freeze
I'm not surprised! All those years of having this toxic demon hover over you controlling every aspect of your life!
A client told me she stood in the cereal aisle for twenty minutes last week, just staring. Twenty minutes! Over cornflakes or oats. That's what years of being told you're wrong does.
The second you do get the chance to make a choice, your brain tells you, "Nope!"
Your decisions were second guessed by you for so long because you were made to doubt yourself. That goes for literally anything by the way, not just one moment here or there.
You don't even know what food to order when you go into the restaurant because there's this niggle in your mind that you'll make the wrong choice, or it will cost too much.
4 Mid-sentence you lose all the words in your head
You're chatting away, and suddenly you lose track of what you wanted to say. That can seem funny, but it's actually a link to trauma, and is called language retrieval. It's not permanent; it doesn't mean you have dementia.
I had a client describe it as standing in a room and forgetting why she walked in, except the room was her own sentence. Sound familiar?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou just go quiet, scratch your head and think, "Shoot, what was I talking about?"
Your brain can run on this kind of system where it has been stuck in survival mode for too long. You aren't wired to retrieve, you're just wired to survive. Eventually, you'll realize that and in time, those moments will become less and less.
5 Everything makes you jump
Well sure; a nervous system that is shot to pieces will do that to anybody. A door closes too hard, and it sends you jumping. A phone buzzes, and you jolt.
One client told me she still flinches when her partner sets a mug down on the counter. He's the kindest man. Her body just hasn't caught up yet.
Someone walks into a room and you feel startled. Your heart rate skyrockets, and you feel your shoulders tense up. This is no mistake. You are showing that you've been trained to expect the next terrible thing to happen at any given moment.
You can't just switch that off because your abuser is now out of the picture; you need time to sink into that new and safer normal.
6 Your focus becomes totally ruined
You used to be somebody who could sit and devour an entire book, but now you can even read a page without re-reading it and putting it down in frustration. Similarly, your attention diverts easily the moment you start to put a film on.
Your focus is out the window, and it's no surprise why. Those who experience chronic stress will often see their attention as being the first thing to start eroding in real time.
I had a client tell me she sat in front of the same episode three nights in a row and still couldn't tell me what happened. That's not laziness. That's exhaustion.
Everything feels so fragmented, heavy; you feel trapped. This is not you changing. Your personality is still there, but instead, your nervous system is crying out for a rest so badly that it's looking everywhere it can for that.
At least when you're free of the narcissist, you can give this to yourself.
7 When someone becomes angry, you learn to disassociate
You might think that disassociating is a good thing, but it's not, not really. If someone around you raises their voice, even if you're in a safe place and it's in a safe context, you might feel as though you aren't in the room anymore.
That's not you being disinterested; this is a person who is numb.
A client told me she zoned out when her new partner shouted at a football match. He was thrilled about a goal. She was somewhere else entirely. Sound familiar?
You've learned in this way to protect yourself all this time. You hear that raised voice, and your brain tells you that you're in danger, and so it does what it can to pull you out of that moment.
It's trying to help, after all, that is the brain's job to protect you. However, yes, it will still make you feel like a ghost in your own life, which is no fun at all.
8 You don't feel pleasure the way you used to
Because you can't. Even your favorite foods don't taste like much fun any longer. The music that used to get you up dancing is just noise now. Where did all your joy go?
A client said to me recently, "Alexander, I bit into my favourite cake and felt nothing. Just chewing." That hit me hard. That's what abuse does, it flattens everything.
It was drained out of you, and through the stress that was created from it, your reward system has been drowned. Those joy circuits are still there, though. Even though they're tired, some day, they will spark back to life again, and you'll feel amazing for it.
Day by day though, right? That's what recovery and healing looks like.
9 You feel like you're going insane
Trust me, you are not going crazy. I know it feels that way, but what's important to remember is that your brain has survived trauma after trauma with the narcissist you know. You've lost too much to them already, even down to sleep. But nothing is wrong with you.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. I started writing things down just to prove to myself they happened." That's not insanity. That's survival.
You're living in the aftermath of a very challenging time, and now it's time to rest and recharge. Yes, it will take time, but I trust the time you will give yourself will be just what you need. The brain heals, and yours will, too.
Once you show it that the stress is over, you will find a way back to yourself all over again.
10 Sleep? What's That?
Sleep used to be the one thing your body did automatically. Now? It's like your brain forgot the manual.
You lie down, exhausted, and suddenly every argument from the last three years comes flooding back. That thing they said in 2022? Yep, replaying it. The look they gave you at your sister's wedding? Right there on the ceiling.
And when you do drop off, you wake up at 3am with your heart pounding like you've been running. For no reason. Or, well, for every reason.
I hear this from clients constantly. "Alexander, I haven't slept properly in months." And it makes total sense. Your nervous system was on red alert for so long that switching it off feels foreign now. Unsafe, almost.
The brain needs sleep to repair itself. Without it, the fog gets foggier, the memory gets patchier, the emotions get bigger. It's a brutal cycle.
You're not being dramatic. You're not "bad at sleeping." Your brain is literally still scanning for danger that isn't there anymore.
It takes time to teach it that the war is over.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A Sweat11 Your Body Remembers Before Your Brain Catches Up
Here's something I hear all the time from clients: "I saw their car and my chest went tight before I even knew it was theirs."
That's your body talking before your brain has caught up. And it's wild, isn't it? The way your stomach can flip at a certain ringtone. The way a particular aftershave on a stranger in the supermarket can make you feel like you can't breathe.
Your nervous system has been on high alert for so long, it learned the danger signals before your conscious mind could even catch them.
So you flinch when a door slams. You feel sick when you hear footsteps coming up the stairs in a certain rhythm. Your hands start shaking when the phone buzzes, even if it's your sister calling.
It's not weakness. It's not you being dramatic. It's your body doing exactly what it was trained to do, which is keep you safe.
The trouble is, it doesn't know the danger has passed. You have to teach it, slowly. And that takes time.
