“Alex, what? Just 6!”
There are a thousand ways a narcissist can ruin your day, but I am zoning in on one particular set because I honestly believe they are the most destructive, cruel, cold ways a narcissist can take a good day and spin it on its head.
Narcissists purposely want to make you miserable, and so they wake up with that one mission, and you are always going to feel rubbish for it.
Never content with just being content, they see someone smiling or feeling hopeful, and they can’t help themselves.
“That smile has to go!”
So there you are, victim to their abuse for another day, with these 6 toxic tactics.
1When you’re feeling happy is right when they pick an argument
Here are some phrases a narcissist would say to you if they were given the chance to speak their minds:
“I cannot stand to see you so happy.” “Your happiness is like a dagger to my heart.” “I will end the smile on your face so you can feel as miserable as I do.”
They’re not going to say any of these, but instead, they’ll be much more covert about your joy.
Narcissists can start an argument for no reason, just because you seem more chipper than usual. You’ve had a great morning, you went for that interview and it went really well, you had brunch with your sister; you’re feeling good.
But not for long.
See alsoHow Narcissists Win Every Argument: 6 Dirty Tricks They Pull on You
Something that you supposedly did three weeks ago has now been smacked on the table for you to discuss, and it brings you right back down to earth. This is not a coincidence at all, and is only a conflict because the narcissist wants it to be.
This is a pattern that will repeat itself, so it’s definitely worth paying attention to. Control is the narcissist’s middle name, and they’ll do all they can to ensure that your moods can be changed or shifted according to what the narcissist wants you to feel.
If you’re happy and the narcissist has nothing to do with it, they will not like it.
2Little comments become nestled under your skin like splinters
“Did you mean to dress like that today, or are you doing some kind of dare?” “Could you not find your hairbrush this morning?” “You look like you aged ten years overnight!” “God, you’re like a child when you get excited.”
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
You’re not allowed to take offence. You’re not allowed to question the narcissist. You’re not allowed to hold them accountable.
You’ve tried all of that before, and it’s ended up with you being the bad guy and saying you’re sorry.
You’re told you “Can’t take a joke.”
One comment might not mean a great deal, but over time, they accumulate, and you start waiting and predicting when the next line is going to drop at your feet.
Soon enough, they nestle themselves under your skin, frustrating and upsetting you, as they naturally should.
You don’t have to keep the peace by laughing along though, you know that, right? Someone here is wearing down your confidence bit by bit, and they’re doing it in a way that makes you start to believe these things about yourself, too.
The other choice is to refuse to engage and get on with your life.
3The silent treatment comes with ease
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“Alexander, I never knew what each day was going to look or feel like. He gave me the silent treatment all because I disagreed with him. It was as if he was punishing me for having my own opinions, and that was when I knew I was dealing with someone toxic.”
A client’s truth written in words I couldn’t articulate any better than she did.
It’s painful when you get no explanation from someone as to the reason for their radio silence.
If someone genuinely wants a little space, they usually say something like, “I just need ten minutes to myself. I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.”
Not a narcissist. Not a chance. Not ever.
They do it so easily because they’re so good at being able to put you on edge at a moment’s notice.
4Drama is created and flows in right before something important
Have you ever noticed that?
A client from the past few years did, and she said this to me:
“I had a really important health appointment a few months ago, and I woke up that morning feeling like a bag of nerves. He decided to spend the morning while I was getting ready telling me how I am always off work, and that I never give myself the opportunity to get a promotion. I don’t want a promotion. I’m happy with my job, but he seems to think nothing I do is ever good enough. He didn’t mention my appointment once; he just twisted me into pieces before I went.”
That says so much, doesn’t it? Imagine living every day with someone who really couldn’t care less about you, and who only seemed to create drama when something important is on the calendar.
You’re never allowed moments to belong to you. You’re never allowed the support. You’re never allowed to have someone telling you that everything will be okay.
To be constantly denied like that is to be neglected, among so many other things.
See alsoHave You Noticed This One Weird Thing About Being on Vacation With a Narcissist?
5If you’re having a good day, the narcissist will find a way to make you feel guilty
Remember before you met the narcissist, when you’d have good days and they wouldn’t feel like the calm before the storm? Remember when you could enjoy yourself and not feel guilty for smiling a little bit?
It felt like joy was permitted, and that’s because you never had anyone hovering over your head like a stormy day, trying to ruin your day.
Now you feel as though you need to say sorry just because you had a good day, and they didn’t.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s kind of mean to rub your happiness purposely in someone else’s face if you know they’re going through a tough time, but aside from that, you shouldn’t have to monitor and contain your spark just because someone has a problem with it.
Narcissists want to see you miserable, and your happiness is one of their biggest triggers. I see it all the time in dynamics, and I try to tell the victim, “You are allowed to live your life.”
You haven’t done anything wrong.
6Every problem is turned into your fault somehow
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It’s okay to raise concerns if you need to, but prepare for you making all the apologies at the end of it.
A narcissist will hate your audacity, and will trick you into believing that you are needy, aggressive, fussy, or hateful.
Shifting blame like this can leave you as the victim of it all, and it is exhausting.
If this happens, you always need to try to shift the conversation back to where you wanted it to be, otherwise you’re left feeling guilty and accepting those accusations back when they really don’t need to be there at all.
You’ve been warned!
