I don't want to teach any of you to lie, but where narcissists are involved, sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do, and that's why these 4 lies matter. Surviving a narcissistic man does mean that you have to play a very specific game.
You're smart, so it's time to show yourself just how limitless you can be. I don't mean hurt people, I mean protecting yourself while you take time to figure out your next step.
Think of it as a shield, not a weapon. You're not out to hurt him. You're buying yourself the space to breathe and plan properly.
There's nothing wrong with that at all. The narcissist will never know. It's time to protect your peace.
1 "Yeah, you're right"
It's probably the most golden lie because what it does is give the narcissistic man the impression that he's right so he stops trying to prove he's right. Yeah. You've got a point. You're right. Any argument that you were in, is no more.
That's got to be a good place to be, right? Not only are you stopping the argument in its tracks by giving him what he wants, you're doing so at the cost of who likely is right: you!
What you and any other woman has learned in this process is that an argument doesn't have to last the entire day because you refuse to give them what they want to hear. You are this! You are that!
You hear it all, from everything you've done wrong in the past to everything you did wrong so far today. So you agree.
It doesn't have to be a moment where you feel sad about it and actually agree with it yourself, you're simply doing it to shut the narcissist up. In fact, you are enjoying this lie and you don't care what they think of you after that.
The sanity of having a little peace trumps trying to fight the fact that yet again, the narcissist was wrong. I wonder how many of you have tried this, and in turn have been able to get a little bit of peace in your life.
You glance at him across the room, with that knowing smile on his face, and you just let him have it.
I had a woman tell me she started saying it while folding laundry, not even looking up. He'd puff up, walk off, and she'd have her kitchen back.
Anything for a quiet life.
2 "Oh, I forgot about that"
I know for certain that every single narcissistic man loves to keep score. What you've done wrong, and I mean every little thing, has been logged.
It's been stored in a way that they can refer to them all through the file of toxicity in their mind at a moment's notice. Whenever you dare express a need, or you are annoyed at something; out it comes.
You obviously don't remember the time you… Oh look at you, thinking you're perfect. You weren't the one who had to listen to you… What about when you decided you were going to…
Before, you'd probably argue that, not wanting to cause a scene, or create even more upset with the narcissist. You wanted to defend yourself, and prove to them that you aren't a horrible person, and that you do care about them.
Now, if you were to lie, you could just use the old, "I forgot about that" phrase. If you're defending yourself, the narcissist has already won. He's gone to a place that you didn't choose to tag along, and he's deciding what the rules are while you're there.
Saying you forgot about whatever he's bringing up allows you the space to prove that you really aren't that bothered, and you're not going to give him the power that thinks you care enough to take a defensive stance.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseHe's got nothing, you have everything, and all because you chose to just lie for a little peace.
I had a woman tell me she started saying it with a shrug and a soft smile, and her narcissistic partner had absolutely no idea what to do with her.
I don't blame you.
3 "Sure, that sounds like a great plan"
Sure, whatever, sounds great. I know it makes you sound agreeable, but when you know he has suggested something that's ridiculous, what choice do you have?
If you disagree or suggest another idea, you're going to be told that it's terrible, or inconvenient, or expensive, or too far to drive; whatever the excuse may be.
It costs you precious time and energy to disagree and get into an argument about it, and so you choose the other option; you choose yourself.
I had a client tell me her husband spent forty minutes explaining a weekend plan she had zero interest in. She just nodded. Saved her a two hour row.
Going along with it means it at least buys you some time with him. His narcissistic ego has been stroked, and you get to end the conversation, maybe not on your terms, but you're willing to make that sacrifice.
When you're in private, you can do all the things that benefit and serve you, without having to think twice about the narcissist. That's got to mean something, and I hope it does. And you know the best part?
Half the time, narcissistic men don't even notice when things don't fully go their way anyway. As long as you're sugar coating everything, it will make them feel like they've got the control, right? That's what you're essentially after.
4 "I'm tired, but I'm fine"
I know if you're involved with a narcissistic man, you'll be using this phrase the most. Women say it and it can be an incredibly powerful tool. Think about when you're upset, and the narcissistic man you're with sees you visibly hurt and pained.
He will do one of two things:
A, He will make it about himself. B, He will use the fact that you're vulnerable as a way to get something out of you.
Your pain will go through a process, which ends up being, "This is why I can never talk to you." That's why he always makes it a huge problem, when all you're doing is trying to open up and be yourself. I'm fine.
It shuts everything down, not giving it a chance to open at all. You get to keep all your emotions and how you're feeling for the people you know who actually care and give you that vital platform to open up.
I know it's commonly used, because I hear you all tell me, "Alex, it's just easier this way."
You're right, it is easier. You don't have to worry about starting a 'word' war, or being disappointed yet again by someone who is insistent on not being there for you during your hour of need.
I had a woman tell me once that she said "I'm fine" so many times, she forgot what actually being fine felt like. That's what these men do to you.
5 What's going on here…?
These phrases aren't meant to patch over all your problems and keep you locked into the relationship with him forever. They also aren't supposed to paint over the cracks, pretending everything is okay when it evidently isn't.
What it does mean is that you get to stop spending each of your days wasting energy trying to have an honest discussion with him. You know by now what a waste of time it is, so why bother?
I had a woman tell me she spent seven years explaining her feelings to a man who only ever replied with, "You're overreacting again." Seven years. Gone.
Lying doesn't make you as bad as the narcissist, but it does preserve a part of you that they're trying to erode. The proof that they don't really care about you is in the everyday ways they treat you.
You deserve to find a true support system where you can be listened to and loved by emotionally healthy people.
6 Why Lying Isn't The Same As Losing Yourself
There's a moment women come to me feeling awful about themselves because they've started dodging the truth with their narcissistic partner. They feel dishonest. Sneaky. Like they've become a version of themselves they don't recognise.
I want to stop you right there.
Lying to protect your peace from someone who has spent years weaponising your honesty against you is not the same as being a liar. Those are two totally different things.
When you tell your friend the truth, she holds it gently. When you tell a narcissist the truth, he files it away and uses it as ammunition the next time he wants to make you feel small. So of course you stop handing it over. That's self preservation, not deceit.
Losing yourself looks like abandoning your values across the board. Being cruel. Manipulating people who've done nothing to you. Becoming him.
Withholding your real Saturday plans from a man who monitors your every move? That's just a woman keeping her own life to herself. Big, big difference.
7 When The Lies Start To Cost You Something
There's a moment I want you to watch out for. It's when the little fibs you tell to keep the peace start eating into something bigger.
See also 8 Creepy Bedtime Habits That Only a Narcissist Would HaveMaybe you told him you were working late, but really you were at your sister's. Fine. But then you find yourself lying to your sister about why you can't stay longer. And then lying to yourself about why you're so tired all the time.
That's when it costs you.
Lies designed to protect your peace are meant to be small, contained, situational. Little walls. Not a whole second life you have to remember and maintain.
If you notice the story getting bigger, the cover ups getting more tangled, the weight of it sitting on your chest at 3am, that's the signal. Not to stop protecting yourself. To start thinking about the bigger exit.
Because protection is supposed to be a bridge, not a permanent address. If you're building a whole house out of these little lies, something has shifted, and it's worth being honest with yourself about what.
