Whenever you're happy, it feels like the last time was so long ago that you can only remember small fragments of it. Little things bring you joy, from a good laugh to that new job. For a moment there it was; life feeling as though it was coming together.
That all changed when the narcissist saw you smiling.
And something shifted in them, didn't it? Like your joy was a personal insult, a thing to be corrected. They can't stand watching you glow without their permission.
The second you looked happy became the next thing they would cruelly steal from you, and these 11 ways tell you exactly how they do that. When you read these, you'll know the exact kind of person you're dealing with, and it is no joke.
1 But… Why?!
Your happiness is like a dream for the narcissist. Not because they love seeing you happy, but because they love having something to steal from you. When you're happy, you're telling the narcissist, "I have something that you didn't give me."
They weren't in control of that, and for them, that's the worst thing imaginable.
Think about that for a second. Your joy exists outside their reach, and that alone is enough to make them itch. They didn't author it, so they want to destroy it.
It's no wonder that stealing your good mood is one of their favorite things to do, and they have the most effective ways of making that possible.
2 A crisis comes with no warning
The crisis out of thin air! Of course. What better way to take your happiness and toss it in the trash than telling you there is some kind of emergency that needs your attention. You come down with a crash, hearing:
We need to talk. I need to tell you what happened. This is really bad. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to go away for a while. Nothing happened other than you came home in a good mood, and the narcissist wants to ruin it.
I had a client tell me her partner announced a family emergency the second she walked in humming. Turns out his cousin forgot to text him back. That was the crisis.
Effective? You bet! Nearly always the victim will drop their golden moment for whatever the narcissist needs from them.
3 A fight? Always over something pathetic
It's the best way to whip away happiness, and a narcissist is going to be the best at it.
That's right, you will be (and probably have already been) pulled into the worst kinds of fights you can think of, right off the bat of being happy and public about it. Why do you keep leaving the garage light on? What is it with you? You always do this!
I can't believe you think something like this is actually funny!
And you stand there wondering how a garage light became a full blown argument at 9pm on a Saturday. That's the point. Pathetic is the whole strategy.
Little, ridiculous ways to get under your skin and cause a disagreement; the narcissist will do it over and over again.
Of course, these fights make no sense to you, but to the narcissist, it's their way of getting you to leave that good headspace and to feel fraught once more.
4 The narcissist plays the victim
Oh boy, this is a big one. A narcissist is perfect at playing the victim, and when you're happy, that's when they will suffer the most. My back is killing me. (This is a classic!) I just don't feel myself right now. Life feels so hard at the moment.
I feel so down. Work is getting harder to manage for me. Oh dear, poor narcissist. This is all very convenient, isn't it? The timing will always be perfected, and it'll be right when you're feeling that joy oozing out of you the most.
Any time you do feel happy, the narcissist will never want that to take center stage, which is why they love to act the victim during your times of celebration.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou then end up feeling bad for feeling happy, and so you put a lid on it and focus on trying to help the narcissist.
And suddenly your good news never gets shared. You're rubbing their shoulders, asking if they need water, cancelling the dinner you were looking forward to. Sound familiar?
Boom. They've got what they want.
5 Old arguments dragged up
Why wouldn't they? When the narcissist has nothing else to claw into, they will use your past against you. Remember the time you apologized for one tiny mistake you made? Remember that argument from this time last year?
Yeah, that will all come up like it's brand new all over again. You might think, "Why now?" The answer is simple: You're happy. The narcissist will do anything to get rid of that, so handing you something heavy to carry takes away the smile on your face immediately.
And it's always delivered so casually, isn't it? A little, "Well, remember when YOU did that thing back in March?" as if they've been keeping a ledger the whole time.
6 The subtle disappearance
Usually this is the point where I ask you to sit up and pay attention. A narcissist won't fight with you on this occasion. They won't cause a scene, or make it so that they're yelling at you. Instead, you'll tolerate:
Short answers No eye contact Cold stares Zero fighting
You're sitting there trying to figure out what's happened, or what you said that was so bad, but the narcissist gives you nothing in return. What's that about?! I'll tell you:
It's the narcissist wanting to divert attention away from your good mood and back into them.
Suddenly you're the one chasing, apologising, asking what's wrong. And just like that, your good mood is gone, replaced by the same old anxious guessing game.
There's literally nothing more to it.
7 Your attention at their demand
Narcissists love attention, but they start to really demand it (albeit nicely) right as things are hotting up for you in other aspects of your life. Can we chill together tonight? I've missed you. I feel like we're growing so distant lately.
I know you might think, "Wow, this is nice, sure!"
Don't do that. There's a pattern involved here, and usually that comes from right as you're building something nice that they aren't a part of. A friendship, a new hobby, a goal; without your attention on those things, you are far more likely to neglect and eventually abandon them.
The narcissist here feels like you're leaving them behind, so they want to try to lure you back to them, at the cost of anything else you've got going on for yourself.
I had someone tell me their partner suddenly wanted date night every Friday, right as she'd signed up for a pottery class. Coincidence? She dropped the class within a month.
Watch this, it's very common.
8 Whatever you're happy about gets automatically undermined
No fair, is it? You finally get that payrise, and you hear, "Well, they probably gave everyone a pay rise of some sort."
You're told you look amazing, and you hear, "They should see you first thing in the morning!"
That happy feeling never stays for long, does it? That's down to the narcissist wanting to put out every single fire in your life, including the ones that start from something good.
You'll never notice a full on attack; just enough to make you feel dented, and never quite able to come back from it. This is no coincidence, this is personal.
One woman told me her narcissist actually said, "Don't get too excited, it probably won't last," after she got into grad school. Who says that to someone they claim to love?
9 The tut, the sigh, the roll of the eye
Come on; we all know what this feels like! If you've ever met a narcissist and they've seen you in a good mood, you're treated like a major 'OTT' person who can't possibly celebrate yourself in any way. You're given the look, the sigh, the roll of the eye.
It's their way of wanting to try to make you feel pathetic, when in fact, you have every right to be happy, so why shouldn't you? People fall for this and make themselves very small as a result of those infamous tuts and sighs.
You put a lid on your happiness, and learn to do that with efficiency over time.
I had someone tell me she started apologising for laughing too loud in her own kitchen. Her own kitchen. That's what the tut trains into you.
Stop! You have the right to smile. Never forget that.
10 The mocking mimic of your excitement
You come home buzzing. You got the interview, or your friend proposed, or you finally finished that painting you'd been avoiding for months. You share it, all lit up, and they parrot you back in this sing songy voice.
"Oooh, I got the interview," they mimic, pulling a face. "Look at me, I got the interviewww."
It stops you dead. That flat, mocking echo of your own excitement, done just cruelly enough that if you complain they can say, "Relax, I was joking, why are you so uptight?"
I had someone tell me last month that her partner did this every single time she was happy about something small. She stopped telling him things. Then she stopped feeling the small joys at all, because what was the point of a joy she couldn't share.
That's the damage. It isn't just the mimicking in the moment. It's that you learn, quietly, over months, to swallow your excitement before it even reaches your face. You pre-shrink yourself. And that is exactly what they wanted.
11 They rain on it in front of other people
You're at a family dinner, or you're out with friends, and someone notices you're glowing. Maybe you got a promotion. Maybe you just look happy for once. And before you can even enjoy the moment, the narcissist chimes in.
"Yeah, well, they haven't told you about the meltdown they had last Tuesday."
Or, "Careful, they get big-headed when people compliment them."
Little digs disguised as jokes. Everyone laughs a bit awkwardly, and you sit there with your good mood slowly leaking out of you like air from a tyre.
I had someone tell me recently that her partner made a comment at her sister's wedding about her drinking, right when she was mid-laugh with her cousins. She said the rest of the night felt like she was walking around with wet clothes on.
That's the point of doing it in public. Private sabotage is bad enough, but doing it with an audience means you can't react without looking unhinged. So you swallow it. And they know you will.
