Disgusting. Is that a word you'd use to describe the narcissist? I feel it's entirely appropriate when it comes to these 10 habits, and the problem is…
…Narcissists think they are all normal. They're not. In fact, I'd go as far to say that they make your skin crawl, because they certainly do mine. While they may make you feel crazy, you're not. Let's dive into these disgusting habits they have, one by one.
And I want you to remember something before we start. You noticing these habits doesn't make you fussy or difficult. It makes you awake. Finally.
1 Gaslighting
We hear about it all the time, don't we? A narcissist will use you to get what they want, and they'll love every minute of it. How they do it never really gets talked about enough, though.
It's far more than just, "That didn't happen." It's everything wrapped up in a toxic bow. The way they slowly blink at you when you're trying to recall something that happened, like they're trying to convince you that you're fumbling or confused.
The tired sigh that says, "Here we go again."
You're the problem, all of the time.
I had a client tell me her ex would say, "You're remembering it wrong, you always do this," until she started writing conversations down just to keep her own sanity.
It's enough to make anyone over time feel like they're going crazy. What is real, what is fake? You don't know any more, and I think that's a disgusting way to treat people.
2 Listening to weaponize you
You told them a few years back that you have this big fear of failure, or how insecure you are about your appearance, and they listened attentively. The reason you told them is because you trusted them with that information, and you thought it was landing on safe ears.
So much for that…
The narcissist will use those things you say you fear in an argument against you, and it's beyond cruel to me. Maybe if you took care of yourself a little more… Maybe we'd be able to go on more vacations if you weren't so scared of flying.
You'd probably have the job of your dreams by now if you weren't so afraid to take a risk. It's not nice, and goes down as a habit of the narcissist that is very troubling indeed.
What you shared as a soft, vulnerable moment gets filed away like ammunition. They wait for the right fight, then load it and fire. Cold, calculated stuff.
3 The scoreboard you can't see
I know you don't see it, but I want to explain what it looks like anyway, so you have a good idea of what's going on in the narcissist's warped mind. They keep score of everything.
Every little thing they did for you is tallied, like it's some kind of reminder to them that they were good to you.
When they inevitably throw comments at you such as, "I give up so much for you," and, "You have no idea all the things I've sacrificed," those comments come from memory of when you needed help, support, or a favor. You didn't think each time came with an IOU.
Over time, you will start to think, "Were they kind to me because they wanted to be, or because each act of kindness felt more like a moment they knew they'd later use against me?"
It's draining, and I completely get it.
And once you spot it, you can't unspot it. Every gesture starts to feel like a receipt being quietly filed away for later use.
The narcissist will forever love this habit, because it serves them and keeps them being able to control your mood and guilt. The problem is, no matter how much work you put into trying to make it better, it'll never be enough.
See also 7 Weaknesses Every Narcissist Has That Will Destroy Them In The End4 Other people are looking: time to perform!
I know how unsettling this one will be for you, but hear me out. When you're around everyone else, you get that whole performance vibe seeping out from the narcissist, and you spot it. When you're at home, you get the frequent cold shoulder.
It feels distressing to be on that receiving end, I understand. You're busy doing your own thing, and you hear the familiar sigh or snide comment about you under their breath. Why? What's it for? You don't get it.
And the second you get in the car to head home? Silence. Or worse, they pick apart something you said. Sound familiar?
Then you get to that occasion or event, and the narcissist quickly becomes the center of all the noise and laughter. Everyone is crowded around them like they're the best thing ever.
They listen to those funny stories or jokes, and the whole room thinks how lucky you are to have this constantly to live with. You smile, but of course, you know the truth.
There's no point trying to convince anyone in that moment that your reality is a contrast to this. It's a switch the narcissist is very good at flipping, and they know it. For you, they let go and drop the mask. For everyone else; it's showtime.
5 "I won't apologize, and I don't care"
I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry, but… Okay fine, I'm sorry. Happy now? You assumed for years that these were real apologies, but I'm here to tell you it's far from that.
They are ways to pacify you that you probably took on board and accepted, but you shouldn't. This is a habit of a narcissist; to close the conversation without being accountable for anything they've done wrong.
And notice how the apology always has a tail on it. "I'm sorry you feel that way" isn't sorry, it's a shrug dressed up in polite clothing.
Then you end up comforting them. That's not fair, and I find it disgusting in any person.
6 Always looking for opportunities to flirt
Oh boy, does a narcissist flirt? YES!
They will literally flirt with anyone who pays them a little attention, and they'll take it as a sign that they're attractive. For you, you have to witness this, and see all the slimy ways they think they're God's gift to everyone.
A narcissist can never just have an innocent conversation; each form of attention feeds their ego and tells them that they're liked.
You're standing right there, and they're leaning into some stranger like you're invisible. And if you say something? "I was just being friendly, why are you so jealous?"
Only a narcissist takes it too far, every single time. They're that insecure, they see all smiles as a, "I think I love you" moment.
7 Leaving a trail of mess around the house to trigger you
I hate this, I mean really hate it. Narcissists know exactly what they're doing when they leave a mess around the house.
From forgetting to flush the toilet, to leaving a trail of dirty clothes from the bathroom to their bedroom; they won't care because they know you're right behind them flushing, picking up and cleaning. For them, they think, "You can do this because it's far too beneath me."
For you, you're thinking, "I just want to do all I can to keep the peace and keep them happy."
What a crushing, toxic combination. They take, while you do nothing but give, and that will be the dynamic in every aspect of your relationship unless you pick up this habit and put a stop to it.
And they'll still have the audacity to sigh and say, "I don't know why the house is such a state lately." As if the mess appeared by itself.
When you do, you'll see how long the narcissist lasts before they lose it with you for not being good enough yet again.
8 I know it is a lot
When you go through all of these habits, you're probably wondering what attracted you to these kinds of people in the first place, and I'm here to remind you that first impressions will always be so different from the person you come to get to know.
You can feel anger reading all of this, but also there's that strong sense of relief, knowing that you aren't going crazy and that the person you know really is like this.
One woman told me she felt like she'd been handed her sanity back in a paper bag. That's what naming these habits does. It gives you your reality.
You'll have been talked out of that reality, but I want you to remember that there's much more to a narcissist than meets the eye.
9 Eating like nobody is watching (but you are)
There is something deeply unsettling about watching a narcissist eat, and if you know, you know.
The chewing with the mouth open. The talking through a mouthful of food. The way they attack a plate like it owes them money, elbows out, shoveling, no pause, no breath.
And the noises. Slurping, smacking, the little grunts of appreciation aimed at nobody in particular. You sit there wondering if you are the only one who can hear it, because everyone else seems to just carry on.
Ask them to maybe eat a little quieter? Oh, watch out. "You're being ridiculous." "Nobody else has a problem with it." "This is just how I eat, get over it."
So the problem becomes you. Your ears are the issue. Your standards are unreasonable. Meanwhile they are licking a knife at the dinner table and reaching across your plate with their fingers.
A woman I worked with used to eat her lunch in the car alone before going home just to have one peaceful meal a day. One meal.
10 The hygiene stuff nobody wants to say out loud
Okay, I'm going there. Somebody has to.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI've lost count of how many people have quietly admitted to me that the narcissist in their life had shocking hygiene behind closed doors. The polished exterior everyone else sees? A costume. At home it can be a different story entirely.
Skipping showers for days, then dousing themselves in cologne before going out. Toothbrushes that haven't moved in a week. Underwear worn twice, three times, who knows. Dirty dishes stacked up while they lecture you about how the house looks. Nails, ears, feet, all the bits people don't usually mention.
And when you say something? "You're obsessed. Nobody else has a problem with me."
Because nobody else lives with them, that's why.
The image they sell the world is spotless. The reality you live with is anything but. It's one of those private betrayals that feels petty to bring up, so most people never do.
You just carry it, quietly, wondering how the same person can be two completely different humans depending on who's watching.
