It takes a lot for a victim to leave a narcissist, but right where they get to a point where they can take no more, they will take whatever is left of their self-esteem, and not look back.

The dust is not able to settle, as the narcissist looks around at what's left (nothing), and suddenly, it hits them hard.

Realizing their behavior cost them you may not mean what you think it means, but I assure you, you're going to want to know so you can arm yourself with a little defense the moment they try to worm their way back in.

Because when they show up again, they won't come with an apology. They'll come with a smile, a soft voice, and a story about how much they've grown.

And yes, they always try!

1 Replacing you is the narcissist's version of grief

Grief can be a tricky thing, and it really isn't just reserved for people we love, who die. We can indeed, grieve the living, and knowing that, I want to compare how you deal with loss, to how the narcissist deals with it. For you, you may cry a lot.

You are feeling that heaviness in you, and you lose your appetite. You don't want to eat or see people. You replay conversations you both had over and over in your mind to see where it was you went wrong.

Now, the narcissist is where it gets really interesting, because they do none of this. Instead, you'll see them simply replace you. It'll be almost instant. They will start posting things online to get to you and prove to everyone else that they're fine. These people move fast, believe me.

They will act as though everything was your fault and that's why you broke up. They will even convince everyone they see that you were lucky to have them, and that's often where smear campaigns can ramp up and sound very believable. They were always just so sensitive.

I couldn't deal with it any longer. I gave everything to them, and it was never enough. And then, to you:

You're going to regret this.

I had a client tell me her ex posted a beach photo with someone new eleven days after she left. Eleven days. She'd been packing his lunches for six years.

See also12 Sad Truths You Must Accept Before You Can Ever Defeat The Narcissist

2 Once the silence sets in, everything changes

Let's fast forward to another point in time not long after all that happened, because here's where changes come into factor. This new person the narcissist found and is showing off to the world:

They end up not quite filling the space that you did. I know, right? What a slice of karma. Not only that, but the friends the narcissist tried hard to keep? They start to fall away, drifting like they're pieces of wood in an ocean.

All those stories the narcissist told about you begin to fall on their face, too, because you're no longer there, reacting. You're also proving to the world that you're a good person in how you act and how you treat those people.

Nobody is watching the narcissist's show because the tickets are not selling. The narcissist doesn't like this one single bit. Somewhere, as things start to get very quiet for the narcissist, they start to add up all the little sums they created, and none of them equate correctly.

Who showed up for them back then? Who, through all the drama, the chaos, the pain and tears, was always there? Who stayed when they should have packed their bags and gone? Who loved them like they'd never been loved before? Ah yes, that would be you.

You were there, without fail, and you never let them down, even though that's how they always seemed to make you feel. Now you're not there, because they treated you in a way that you no longer were willing to tolerate.

See also5 Passive Aggressive Tactics Narcissists Use That You'd Never Recognize As Abuse

And that silence they're sitting in? That's the sound of consequences catching up. It's the first honest feedback they've had in years, and they can't stand it.

3 Obsession: The narcissist's new 'scent'

Nobody tells you this is going to happen. But it's my duty to be realistic with you, so I can't leave this part out. The narcissist will at some point realize what their behavior cost them, but don't think that is going to look like anything resembling remorse.

It's more like obsession, and I don't use that word lightly. This is what it looks like:

Your name crops up in conversation regularly, not just every now and then. The narcissist starts to drive a different way home from work, and it involves going past your house.

They start thinking it's a good idea to reach out to your friends to see how you're doing, and they've got a great way of making it sound casual. They act like what they're saying is nothing, while this obsession is bubbling away under the surface.

I just wanted to ask as I haven't seen them in such a long time. I heard things weren't going too well for them. Uh-huh; we've heard that one before, haven't we?!

Losing someone and watching them fall through such a strong ego isn't something that fills a narcissist with pleasure, yet this is what happens when their behavior eventually pushes the closest people away. It's standard, right?

It's a discomfort for the narcissist who isn't used to not having things go completely their own way, and now they just want that connection with you, however tenuous that might be.

See also7 People a Narcissist Fears More Than You Fear Them

These people are so used to pushing their discomfort onto everybody else that this is in fact, a very difficult time for them. Don't feel sorry for them, though! They bring it all on themselves.

Notice how none of this looks like, "I'm sorry, I was wrong." It looks like surveillance dressed up as concern. Big difference.

4 So, does the narcissist change?

What do you think? Narcissists never change! I know you want them to, and believe me, so do I, but they never will. If a person is to really change, they need to firstly look to accountability and own what they put others through.

That's where a narcissist will initially fall down for starters. Once they realize their behavior has cost them something as good as you, the narcissist will not have a great time at all, yet they still won't hold their behavior to account and admit responsibility.

They caused it, but they will sidestep that like it's poop on the sidewalk. I'd go as far as saying that any narcissist will actually reframe what they did that was so wrong, such as making you look like the demanding one.

You were far too needy, too emotional, and you didn't show up as available like they wanted you to be.

A narcissist cannot change, and as much as they'd like to think these moments make them a better, more humble person, nothing will alter the fact that they push everyone away who loves them and still blame the world for those people leaving.

And when they do come back with tears in their eyes, saying, "I've done so much work on myself," what they actually mean is, "I've done so much work on my next line."

5 What did you always know? Time to tap into that

Realizing what they did will be kept to the narcissist alone, but that changes nothing about all that hurt you went through. You dug deep for things to work, but in the end you were continually made to shrink, and that leaves real scars.

You were worth something though, and I think you always knew that.

There comes a time you have to realize that you weren't the problem, and that all you wanted was to love and be loved, and that's not going to come from someone who is unable to behave in a way that offers you that.

The person you were quietly becoming underneath all that noise? She's still in there. Give her a bit of room, and watch how quickly she comes back to the surface.

See alsoNobody Talks About Finding Out At 45 That Your Marriage Was A Lie

6 The Hoover Attempt You Should See Coming

You'll be sitting there, minding your business, and your phone lights up. It won't be a big grand gesture at first. It'll be small. A memory. A song. Something designed to look accidental.

"Hey, I found your old hoodie. Do you want it back?"

"Just heard our song on the radio and thought of you."

"I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but..."

Notice the softness. Notice the humility. That's not growth, that's bait. The narcissist has watched you long enough to know exactly which string still hums when they pluck it, and they'll pluck the gentlest one first because the loud ones stopped working a long time ago.

Then comes the escalation if you don't bite. A birthday message. A family emergency they suddenly need to tell you about. A vague apology that never actually names anything they did. Are you noticing a pattern?

The hoover is not them missing you. It's them missing the version of themselves they got to be when you were around. Read that message. Then close the app.

See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House

7 Why 'Realizing' Isn't the Same as Regret

Realizing something and regretting it are two entirely different animals. A narcissist can absolutely have a moment where they sit back and think, "Huh. That relationship was actually pretty good. I lost something there." But that thought lands in their head the way a lost wallet does. It's an inconvenience.

It's a resource they no longer have access to. It's not, "I hurt a person I loved and I need to make that right."

Regret requires empathy. It requires you to sit with the pain you caused someone else and let it actually land on you. Narcissists don't do that. They can't. Their brain doesn't run that software.

So when they realize you're gone, what they feel is loss of supply. Loss of convenience. Loss of the person who made their life run smoothly. They feel the absence of you, the utility. Not the absence of you, the human being.

That distinction matters because if you confuse the two, you'll open the door thinking they finally understand. They don't.