The moment you fell in love with the narcissist was the moment they knew their game plan worked. You actually fell for an entire system of tricks and toxicities, and I want to talk about why. They weren't simply born that way; they were raised that way.
You're trying to figure out why the narcissist treats you the way they do, but it all boils down to something much bigger than just them…
…I mean their families, too. Why can't they just be nice, accountable, normal people? It's all in their home environment.
Families teach the blueprint long before you ever show up. By the time you meet them, the script is memorized. You just didn't know you were auditioning.
1 Although you had no idea, the family took priority
When you think about families, you assume everyone who becomes a parent wants to raise well-rounded, polite, kind and warm people, don't you? That only works if morals are high, and a lot of those traits already live within the parents. If they do, then great.
The likelihood of another generation of good people is coming. What if people have kids, and those people are unwilling or unable to raise future pillars of society? What if, instead, they raise people who learn very early on that any weakness is punished, and that love is conditional?
What if they raise kids who think being loud equates to being safe? If a child is raised that way, they're going to turn into adults who don't know what a healthy relationship looks like.
They enter society, looking for a person to share life with, only ready and able to replicate what they grew up witnessing, and what they were taught. What was that, you may ask. Well, it's:
Always wanting, and expecting, to win Somebody else always losing Any emotions being treated as huge inconveniences People only being used as commodities and not actual people
This is why people have no real idea about what's going on, and the kind of environment you entered when you met and fell for the narcissist.
I had a client tell me once, "His mother spoke to me like I was staff, and he laughed along." That was her first real warning, and she missed it.
You thought it'd all be normal, but nothing with a narcissist ever is. That's because their family, in turn, will always take priority. Meaning you never will.
2 When they're all at the table, take dynamic notes
This is a case of sitting back, waiting and watching. You don't need to speak so soon when you get in the same room as a family that has raised the narcissist you happen to be with.
You might want to enter and get to know everyone off the bat, you might want to walk in and say yes and agree to everything you hear. Don't. You need to understand the dynamics, and that can take a little while.
First off, you want to watch how the parents talk to each other. One of them is likely to be the one who is constantly talked over. At some point or another, you'll notice someone flinch when a person walks in the room or makes a noise.
What about the room in general? Does the atmosphere change when a certain someone walks in and sits down? Those are what you want to observe, and on top of that, you have to also take into consideration how your narcissistic partner talks to people; their siblings, grandparents, parents, aunts.
Who is mocking? Who is throwing out the, "It was just a joke" phrase?
Who laughs a beat too late, and who laughs before the punchline even lands because they know exactly what's coming? That kind of laughter tells you everything.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseWhere is the affection, who is getting it and who is giving it? Who is performing and trying to patch up what is probably a very awkward dinner? I will say one thing; it's definitely an eyeopener, that's for sure!
3 You'll learn so much hearing these
As I roll out these phrases for you, I want to ask you how often you hear them, and what's bubbling away underneath each word you hear:
We don't gossip. We don't air our dirty laundry to anybody. You're being way too sensitive. That's how Dad's always been. We handle things differently here. This family sticks together. This isn't loyalty, even though it's trying to be dressed up to be.
You've heard some of these during your time, but now you get the chance to fully understand what they mean. That lid every time something marginally dramatic or worrying rises up is firmly placed back on. Nobody talks about what goes on in this family.
One family I heard about had a rule that anything said at the dinner table stayed there. Abuse, cruelty, threats. All tucked under the napkins.
Which means what, exactly? It means anything can happen, and people can be treated however the narcissist sees fit, and you don't get to say a word about it.
Any family responsible for raising a narcissist will know exactly how and when to shut everything down, and that means avoiding any accountability. Don't expect an apology either, as these are equally as rare and never genuine.
4 'Vulnerability is dangerous', how a narcissist is raised
Imagine growing up in a house where vulnerability was banned. That must be hell, yet that's right where a narcissist starts to learn these toxic beliefs.
This means one thing: the narcissist isn't actually broken, they're instead trained to believe they have to always protect themselves, and that means over protecting you any day.
These people won't reflect on anything they did that was wrong, instead passing the blame to you and making everything your fault or problem. You're there to simply fill this void their original family created long before you even crossed paths.
That must be a miserable way to live, yet this is what a narcissist grows up thinking, believing and following. It's interesting then, to translate some of their phrases they throw at you. For instance:
Why do you have to be so dramatic? This translates to, "Your pain makes me angry because I was never allowed to show mine as a kid. You're lucky I'm even acknowledging you right now."
This translates to, "I was never allowed to be vulnerable because it felt so unsafe, so I resent you for having that emotional freedom and I want to make you feel bad for it."
When you look at it like this, it really does open your eyes.
Suddenly you see they're not attacking you specifically, they're attacking the version of themselves that once dared to feel something. You're just the nearest target.
5 Blame? Recognizing patterns?
I know that none of us get to choose the family we're born into. We can't sit down at eight years old and say, "You know what? I'd love a dysfunctional family, and I'm so glad I got one."
That part at least, is no fault of the narcissist. I don't want to spend too long feeling sorry for them, though, as the reality is, you're not built to fix them or make them better.
You're looking for something real, and you want a partner who is kind and loving, not someone you have to tread around to stay safe. Recognizing that the narcissist's family is responsible for how they are then becomes something bigger than the narcissist that you can blame.
If the narcissist you know says, "It's just my family," and sees nothing wrong with it, then that lack of reflection only stands to harm you and carry on further down the line. Patterns won't change all the while they're never noticed.
And that's the tragic part. The narcissist grew up thinking screaming matches at dinner were normal, that silent treatment was love. Why would they question what raised them?
From where I'm sitting, it's time to see that narcissism doesn't come from being in a loving family, it comes from a family who know, and want to know, no different.
6 The Golden Child and the Scapegoat Setup
Some families run this weird little casting call where one kid gets crowned and the other gets kicked. The golden child can do no wrong. The scapegoat can't do anything right, even when they're literally doing the same thing.
And guess who grows up thinking love is a ranking system?
Both of them, actually. The golden child learns they're superior, entitled, above the rules. The scapegoat learns they have to earn every crumb and apologise for existing while they're at it. One turns into the narcissist. The other often ends up dating one, because the dynamic feels familiar.
I had a client once who said, "My brother could set the kitchen on fire and my mum would laugh. I forgot to unload the dishwasher and she wouldn't speak to me for three days." That's the setup right there.
The kids aren't different. The parent just needs a hero and a villain to make their own story work. And that story never, ever produces someone who knows how to love another person as an equal.
7 How to Spot One Before You Fall for Them
You've met the family. Now you have to meet the person they made, and often, they're already sitting across from you on a first date.
See also 8 Creepy Bedtime Habits That Only a Narcissist Would HaveWatch how they talk about their parents. If it's all glowing, unnaturally perfect, no rough edges anywhere, that's worth noting. Real people have complicated feelings about their upbringing. A polished script suggests something rehearsed.
Watch how they handle small no's. You don't want the last slice of pizza. They insist. You still don't want it. Do they laugh it off, or does something tighten in their face?
Listen for how they talk about exes. Every single one crazy? Every single one the villain? Come on.
And pay attention to how they treat waiters, taxi drivers, anyone they don't need to impress. That's the real them. The version they show you is the audition. The version they show the server is the truth.
None of this is bulletproof. But if three or four of these are lighting up at once, slow down. You're allowed to slow down.
