I know how sure many of you were when you first met them, but narcissists are never who they initially present themselves to be, and neither are their families.
Sure, it all started so well, and you felt as though you finally belonged in a dynamic that was warm and kind. That all changed. The trust you poured into them backfired, and now you're dealing with not just one troublesome person, but several.
A whole family, all pulling in the same direction, and that direction is never yours. It's a hard thing to accept when you've been treated like one of them.
If you think they will choose you over the narcissist, you're wrong. Here's why.
1 They aren't getting along, they're taking notes
Being introduced to the narcissist's family can feel as though you're finally taking that romantic next step; the commitment of getting to know where they came from, and the people they grew up with. Seems like a nice idea, doesn't it?
In theory, it should be, but there's nothing nice about narcissists, and so you're going to be in for a rude awakening when you realize they're just extensions of the very toxic person you've been lumped with.
You meet them and have all those wonderful conversations, where topics run deep, and you speak about things that you think you can trust them with. Let me tell you; you can not. Each one of those conversations will have gone somewhere other than where you spoke.
In other words, whatever you say ends up getting right back to the narcissist in a way that feels as though your words have been packaged up nicely for them to receive.
I had a client tell me her mother-in-law repeated a private worry back to her husband word for word, weeks later, during an argument. She never opened up to that family again.
Mom told me you're feeling a bit lonely lately. Dad said you were actually considering that job, is this true? Those are the signs you need in order to know that what you say really does travel further than the recipient you handed your words to.
This doesn't automatically mean they're always going to be bad people, but what they will always be is loyal to the narcissist. No matter how long you're in the family, or how hard you try to be liked and approved of, you'll never be the one they choose first.
2 "Genuine", yeah, right…
I know. You want to believe everyone you meet is genuine, and certainly the people you spend a lot of time with, right? Life is never that simple though, and sadly, the narcissist's family won't be all of the time.
That doesn't mean they can show, through small fragments, that they are authentic in some way. What you have to do is remember that this is the place the narcissist came from. Families that contain narcissists can be deeply enmeshed dynamics, where everyone wants to protect the image.
It's been built up for years, and it's important to put on that mask and show it for others to see and evaluate. Everyone learns to minimize problems, and conflict is smoothed over in order to keep some kind of peace, which means one thing:
The narcissist remains comfortable all of the time. When you came along, you didn't intend on causing any trouble, but you walked into a pre-set template, and you don't know how to operate it.
Nobody hands you the manual either. You're just expected to know that certain topics aren't touched, certain moods aren't questioned, and certain behaviors from the narcissist get quietly excused.
It's hard to walk into that, as you immediately are an outsider, and even though you think there's no reason not to trust someone, or a group of people in this case, there you are never truly being a part of it.
So no, there are no real, 100% genuine members of the family all of the time. Everything will be okay until it isn't. That's where you will fall down.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
3 When you confide in them, you lose it all
As tempting as it may be to pull the narcissist's nice aunt aside at that family event and tell her how much you feel he's changing or never really listens to you, you're telling someone who isn't going to stay quiet.
Her intentions may be good, and she may even nod and agree and say she knows he can be too much sometimes.
She will tell you a little story about him that she went through a few years ago to try to share common thought, but within a few days, the narcissist comes home from work in that mood:
Why are you talking about me behind my back?
And just like that, the aunt has run straight to him with everything you said, probably framed as concern. Suddenly you're the one causing family drama.
The system works so that the narcissist always benefits. They will have their family on their side, and unfortunately there's no room for you. You aren't designed to break that; it's impossible to.
4 Blood over you any day
That's what this is all about, isn't it? Blood is thicker than water, every single time. It won't matter if you're with the narcissist for five months, five years, or five decades; the premise will remain the same:
I am going to be loyal to my family first, and they will be loyal right back. It's a war you're not destined to win through no fault of your own. The family systems of narcissists were built around them long before you came into the picture.
Those roles were fixed, and any alliances the narcissist has, were set in stone. They will fall apart at some time or another, this is inevitable. Those same family members who looked at you and held your hand through your troubles will be the ones who side with the narcissist.
They don't despise you, they're just protecting themselves by protecting the narcissist. They know how the narcissist acts when they don't get their own way, so they know which way they have to go to make sure the peace is locked in.
I had a client whose mother in law once said, "You know how he gets, just let it go." That was the moment she understood exactly where she stood.
5 Now what?
My initial advice would be to immediately stop sharing everything you've been sharing, and I mean right this precise second. Anything you share is going to be used as information, so you have to treat it that way.
Whatever you hand over is no longer going to be sacred, or a secret. Sure, you can be polite, you can laugh with them and be civil, but real conversation? Forget it. Your real feelings have to stay off the table otherwise they will be taken advantage of.
Every little worry, every vent, every doubt about the narcissist? Straight back to them, wrapped up with a bow. Treat every conversation like it's on speakerphone.
I understand something this big is well worth grieving, too. You're losing something you thought you had and could rely on as being a big part of your life. Now? Now you need to stop handing those tools over that the family will only use against you.
Knowing this will save you a whole heap of pain further down the line; you really are riding this wave on your own.
6 You're not imagining it all
It's always going to be a pretty sizable realization to sit with, but this is what it's like to even know a narcissist. You can feel alone in a room full of people, and that's the saddest part of it all.
You thought you had met people who were going to be a part of your life in a meaningful way, and as kind as they have the potential to be, the bottom line remains:
They will never be loyal to you, and you can never trust them. Every single time, the narcissist will be chosen over you.
And it doesn't matter how long you've known them, how many birthdays you've shown up for, how many favors you've done. Blood picks blood, or whatever version of that they've told themselves.
7 The holidays are going to hit different now
You know that pit in your stomach when you're driving up to their place with a casserole in the passenger seat? Yeah. That's about to become a whole thing.
The family gatherings you used to half enjoy, or at least tolerate, they're going to feel different now that you've clocked whose side everyone is really on. You'll notice how the narcissist gets served first. How their plate gets the good bit of the roast.
How mum laughs a little too loud at their joke while yours barely registers.
Little seating arrangements suddenly mean something. Who sits next to who. Who gets asked about their year. Who gets skipped over when the toast goes around.
And the worst part? You can't unsee any of it. You'll sit there with your fork halfway to your mouth, realising the whole family has been running this play for years, and you were just too close to notice.
Some people keep going for the sake of the kids, or the parents, or tradition. Others start making other plans. Both are valid.
8 When they play nice, ask yourself why
Sometimes they surprise you. A birthday card arrives. A message asking how you are. Maybe an invite to lunch, just the two of you, no narcissist in sight.
Feels good, doesn't it? Like maybe you were wrong about them. Maybe they've been quietly on your side this whole time.
See also 8 Creepy Bedtime Habits That Only a Narcissist Would HavePause before you get swept up.
Ask yourself why now. Why the sudden warmth after months, sometimes years, of silence or side taking. Nine times out of ten, they've been sent.
The narcissist wants information, wants to know if you're dating, wants to know if you're doing okay (because you doing okay is a problem for them), wants a soft way back into your life.
Even when they haven't been sent, they're often fishing on their own behalf. Testing the water. Seeing if you'll spill something they can carry back.
Nice doesn't mean safe. Nice can be reconnaissance dressed up in a nice cardigan. Enjoy the coffee if you want to, but keep your cards close. You've earned that caution.
