We all want to do the right thing, but at times we fall short. When it comes to dealing with narcissists, it's very possible to make continuous mistakes. Even though your intentions may be good, that frame of mind may just be reinforcing the narcissist's behavior.
Giving them what they want can mean you're running yourself into the ground, and it's absolutely going to be down to these specific 12 mistakes. If you keep making them, you will give the narcissist what they want each and every time.
And the tricky part? You won't even notice you're doing it. That's how sneaky these mistakes are. They feel like kindness, or patience, or just keeping the peace.
Time to get a step ahead!
1 Every time you overexplain…
The narcissist isn't listening. They're only listening out for what they want, other than that, your words fall flat every single time.
The more you try to prove yourself right, or explain your intentions, the more opportunities the narcissist will have to twist what you're saying to fit their own narrative.
You think you'll make them love you more after what you say to them, but in truth, you're only going to make matters so much worse.
They hear you scrambling and they clock it. Every extra word is more clay for them to shape. "See, even you admit it," they'll say. And off they go.
2 You think every breadcrumb of kindness is a leaf turned
I have lost track of the amount of people who see a brief kindness from the narcissist as something good and productive. You assume every good mood or move is because they've turned this leaf, but it couldn't be further from the truth.
Temporary improvements are only for the benefit of the narcissist, but that's what they want you to think. They want you to think they've changed so you keep coming back and giving another chance and another chance.
One flower delivery, one "I've been thinking about us," and suddenly you're rewriting the whole story. Sound familiar? That flicker of kindness was bait, nothing more.
Time to cut that circuit so the narcissist cannot be charged by your blindness to them any more.
3 When you try to be the better person, you aren't winning
I know you think you are, but being the better person only makes you be the narcissist's main target as someone to take full advantage of. You tolerate all the ways they mistreat you, and that's just the start of it.
I know it's a very admirable thing to do, but where are your boundaries? The mistake is not having any, and for allowing the narcissist to walk all over you. You think you're doing the right thing, but trust me, there's no such thing.
You'll end up losing so much more than you bargained for if you keep trying to play the role of the good guy.
I had a client once tell me, "But Alexander, if I stop being kind, doesn't that make me just like them?" No. Boundaries aren't cruelty. They're survival.
4 Arguing with a version of reality that doesn't exist
Their reality! That's right, it's fake. We all know that, but how much of it do we remember when we're conversing with a narcissist? They will aim to deliver the world's most convincing speeches, simply because that's what they want you to believe.
You'll hear things like, "That never happened, you're remembering it wrong," said with such conviction you start doubting your own memory. That's the whole point.
But they're rewriting events. They're doing it so that you get pulled deeper in, but you're actually living with someone who is a compulsive liar. Know this, and you'll begin to hold back on those mistakes that have so far cost you quite a bit emotionally.
5 When you feel responsible for their emotions
Why wouldn't anybody who tries to manage a narcissist's mood want there to be the best outcome possible? You want good moods, good vibes, and warm greetings, and instead, you find yourself doing everything you can to prevent their next inevitable outburst.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou walk on eggshells to keep the peace, and in working like this, you're handing the narcissist such power. They think they can do and say what they want, and that you'll take the weight of it all because that's your role to play.
Their bad mood is theirs. Their outburst is theirs. You didn't cause it by breathing wrong or asking a normal question. Adults handle their own feelings.
It's not your role to play at all. In playing it, you give the narcissist exactly what they want.
6 Ignoring those niggling red flags
Those are big. Don't think for a second that just because something is niggling at you rather than out and out being obviously distressing that it's not significant enough to pay attention to.
If you're ignoring a red flag because you think it's too small, or because nothing major has happened yet, then let me tell you; you're overlooking a major part of the toxic dynamics. Everything with them is so gradual that victims often ignore and carry on like nothing is happening.
The pattern will then have time to become more established, and by then, those red flags are glaringly obvious. The narcissist wants you to ignore their behavior so they can carry on with their games.
That little voice saying something is off? Trust it. It's not paranoia, it's your gut catching what your brain hasn't caught up to yet.
The earlier you spot it all, the better.
7 You think if you love them a little harder, they'll be better
When will you finally feel enough? It's a question many people who experience life with a narcissist find difficult to answer, because in truth, they never really feel enough. That won't stop them from trying to get to that place, because they think it equates to feeling secure.
They seek validation, and I don't think any other person can truly do that for anybody, let alone when it comes to narcissistic dynamics. The only thing trying harder will do for you is tire you out and eventually exhaust you entirely.
You will not get the relationship you want from loving them harder, but loving them harder is something the narcissist will want you to do as it equates to them realizing they have you right where they want you.
They'll even reward the effort with breadcrumbs. A soft moment here, a compliment there, just enough to keep you convinced the harder version of love is working.
8 Giving a chance, then another, then another
What for? I'm being honest here. I know we all love and want to make that love last forever, but at what point do you stop and think, "I've done this enough, and I need to bow out now."
A victim of narcissistic abuse will always find it hard to walk away as they rest all their hope on a happy ending. They wait for that happy ending, assuming it's always right around the corner.
And every chance you give becomes a data point for them. They log it. They know exactly how far they can push before you cave again.
If you keep forgiving someone without seeing their behavior change, you're teaching them that there are no consequences to mistreating you. You cannot live in a permanent state of tolerance for someone whose aim is to use and abuse you.
9 You isolate yourself rather than look for another perspective
When you keep all your relationship's problems a secret, you're leaving no room for your instincts to rise up and be noticed. Those instincts can be: This isn't right. I don't feel happy. Love isn't supposed to feel like this.
Normalizing abuse by making excuses for it while keeping yourself isolated from reality is a big mistake to make, and one that will cost you in the long term. That's not something you should want for yourself.
Maintaining that belief will allow the narcissist to continue abusing you, while you just take it and assume this is what love is.
One friend, one text, one honest conversation can crack the whole thing open. Isolation is the narcissist's best friend, because in silence, their version of reality wins by default.
It is not.
10 Waiting for the narcissist to finally admit their faults
I have to say, you will really be waiting a lifetime for this. You want them to say: I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I should've known better. I was wrong. I shouldn't treat you that way. Those words will never fall from the narcissist's mouth.
And if by some miracle you do hear something close, listen carefully. It'll be, "I'm sorry you feel that way." That's not an apology. That's a shrug in a nicer coat.
You don't need a narcissist's admission to be able to trust what you've been through was real.
11 Blaming yourself when their mood shifts for no reason
You wake up, they're fine. By lunchtime, they're icy. By dinner, they're slamming cupboards.
And what do you do? You start scrolling back through the morning trying to figure out what you did. Did you say something? Was it that message? Was it the tone you used when you asked about the weekend?
Stop.
Their mood isn't a puzzle for you to solve. It never was. You've just been trained to think it is, because every time they went cold, you were the one who had to warm the room back up.
The narcissist adores this behavior in you. It means they don't have to regulate themselves. You'll do it for them. You'll shrink, you'll apologize for nothing, you'll walk on eggshells, and they get to sit in their mood like a king on a throne while you bring offerings.
Their mood is their responsibility. Not yours. Not ever. If they're off, they're off, and it has absolutely nothing to do with what you did today.
12 Trying to explain your worth to someone who won't see it
This one gets me. You're standing there, listing off your good qualities, your loyalty, the things you've done, the times you showed up. You're basically holding up a résumé of your soul, hoping they'll finally nod and say, "You're right, I see you now."
They won't. They can't.
A narcissist doesn't miss your worth because you haven't explained it well enough. They ignore it because acknowledging it would mean they'd have to treat you better. And treating you better isn't on their agenda.
So every time you try again, every, "But don't you remember when I…" or "Can't you see how much I…" you're just handing them more information to twist later. They file it away. They use it against you next week when it suits them.
Your worth isn't up for debate, and it definitely isn't up for their approval. You already have it. You had it before them, and you'll carry it long after them. Save your breath for people who actually listen when you speak.
