Repeat after me:
Every single narcissist is a control freak. We knew that, right? Of course we did! That's what they thrive and breathe on; being able to be in charge of everything.
From your moods, to who you see as friends, to even your job and what you wear; the narcissist will always want that last word.
I had a client tell me her ex once picked out her socks in the morning and got angry when she swapped them. Socks. That's the level we're talking about.
Here's the catch. They can't control one thing. They want to, but they can't, no matter how hard they try. What is that? I'm glad you asked.
1 Your inner voice: the ultimate return
Do you remember the voice that existed within you before you met the narcissist? That's what I want to talk about today. Your genuine, authentic voice. It exists, it's just been pushed so far underneath all your insecurities that you think it's gone for good.
It's been replaced with, "You're not good enough," and, "You're lucky they even put up with you." Of course, it goes without saying that this isn't your voice, and that you've been programmed to think these negative things, but here's the thing:
Narcissistic control works well for everything that lives externally out of you.
I had a woman sit across from me last month whispering, "I'm too much, I'm too much," over and over. Those weren't her words. She'd borrowed them from him.
They push and manipulate your boundaries, your relationships, your plans, but what about what you know inside? The voice might feel like it's gone, but it's just hidden. When you can find it again, you will never be able to think anything other than what you think.
It's like seeing them for who they really are, and never being able to unsee it. You think that voice was ruined and changed forever, but I'm here to tell you that it hasn't. In truth, the narcissist will never be able to control it.
2 You used to doubt yourself all the time
You've had your fair share of negative, toxic comments thrown your way by the narcissist, right? Nobody else seems to have a problem with me, so this must be you. Why do you always insist on being so dramatic? I'm joking, God, lighten up.
You don't need to lighten up, you just need to keep seeing what you see in the narcissist; the toxicity behind their smile. You will notice this slow and deliberate work. This is somebody who is intent on trying to get right between your instincts and you.
They're a threat, you see. It's all in how you feel what you feel, and not necessarily all the ways you react or take action. Your quiet gut feeling is what the narcissist hates, and they'll do anything to break that up.
They want to control it, but that doesn't mean they can. Going after it every day is something they're willing to do, but I cannot stress enough:
They can't control it. Doubting yourself comes from beginning to feel the effects of the narcissist trying to manipulate you. Your instincts are there for a reason, and that's why people say to never ignore them. Gut feelings exist to teach us to follow them and believe in them.
I had a woman tell me she'd feel sick before every dinner with him, and she kept overriding it. That sick feeling was right the whole time.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House3 Your body is your scoresheet
That's why controlling what your nervous system already knows is impossible for them. I know you've probably heard before that your body keeps score of everything, and I've written endlessly about it. That's because I want you all to know the extent of this; I truly mean it.
Before you knew what it was, it was the way your stomach flipped as you heard their key in the lock, or the way you panicked when you saw them calling you out of the blue.
It was also in the real relief you felt when you had the place to yourself for the evening as they were out. The whole time, your body was telling you something. It was being honest with you, and it wanted you to listen to it.
No amount of the narcissist's gaslighting would have changed that, I promise you. Nothing can override a signal that strong.
I had a client tell me her hands would shake before she'd even seen the car pull up. Her body clocked him a full street away.
You see, any narcissist can control what you say or do. They can take charge of isolating you, and convincing everyone that you're the issue. They can't control what your nervous system already knows, and what it already learned.
They cannot talk your anxiety out of your body, or buy you flowers to make it go away. It's there, and you know it. When you think of it like that, it's automatically an avenue to give you more power and control, isn't it?
4 When you go quiet, pay close attention
Here's where things get really interesting…
When you decide to stop arguing or explaining, when you stop trying to prove what you experienced was true to someone unwilling to validate it, you'll notice a shift you've never felt before. Everything on the outside gets so much quieter, but on the inside?
Everything gets loud, and you will know about it. Your inner voice has the strong potential and ability to start filling in gaps that the narcissist worked hard to put in place. Once that starts happening, the narcissist will pick up on it right away. What's with you today?
Why are you so quiet? Cat got your tongue? You're being weird all of a sudden. Yep, that's right. The narcissist is panicking at this point, but they're dressing it up like it's sarcasm and criticism.
You'll hear the little digs land, things like, "Wow, someone's moody today," or "Did I do something wrong, princess?" Anything to poke at you and get a reaction.
They don't want you to think they're worried, but they will get their toxic point across. The reality is, they're losing the one thing they never thought would slip away, and they don't know how to deal with it.
They needed you to doubt yourself, and have that as your entire inner dialogue. Now you realize it isn't, they're fearful that this is the shift of no return.
Losing you is their worst nightmare, and not because they love or will miss you, but because you gave them all the supply they could ever ask for, and now you're taking that away. You're doubling down on your instincts, finally!
5 The narcissist never fully recovers
Why would they possibly recover from you discovering that your inner voice was there all along?
The louder that voice gets, the more the narcissist is going to feel pained, and so it's down to you to keep growing and learning, and understanding that everything you ever wanted was already inside of you.
Reclaiming it is a huge move for you, and you know this is a move the narcissist cannot gaslight their way out of. You've heard it all before, and now it's time for you to own what you know, and what you've always had.
That voice becomes louder the more you listen to it. And the narcissist can hear it too, even from a distance. They know they've lost the microphone.
And sure, the narcissist can try to throw anything your way. They can try to guilt you, but you see through that now.
It doesn't land like it used to, because you've discovered the voice that they hid all this time is still there telling you that none of it is your fault. It's telling you to know yourself, and to trust that what you're experiencing is abuse, and not right.
I don't think you can put a price on that, do you?
6 The memories they can't rewrite for you
They can spin a story any way they want. They can tell your friends you were the unstable one. They can even try to convince you that the good times weren't as good, and the bad times were mostly in your head.
But there's one place they can't reach. The actual memory of what happened to you.
You remember the exact tone of voice they used when nobody else was around. You remember standing in the kitchen at 2am wondering how a conversation about laundry turned into you apologising for existing. You remember the way your stomach dropped when you heard the key in the door.
They can rewrite the script for everyone else. They cannot get inside your head and edit what you lived through. Gaslighting works while you're still in it, still doubting, still hoping you got it wrong. Once you're out, and the fog lifts, those memories start to solidify.
And funny thing about the truth. It stays put. It doesn't need protecting or defending. It just sits there quietly, waiting for you to trust it again.
7 That flicker of recognition when you meet someone safe
You know the one. You meet a person and something in your chest just… loosens. They're kind without an agenda. They ask a question and actually wait for the answer. They laugh at your joke, the small one, the one you almost didn't say out loud.
The narcissist trained you to distrust that feeling. They wanted you second guessing every warm exchange, sniffing every compliment for the poison underneath. And for a long time, you did.
But that inner ping? That little yes, this one is okay signal? They never got their hands on it. It kept working quietly in the background the whole time you were with them, even when you ignored it.
Now, out on the other side, it starts speaking up again. Sometimes it's a new friend. Sometimes a colleague who treats you like a full person. Sometimes it's just a stranger being decent at the checkout.
You feel it and you think, oh. So this is what safe feels like. The narcissist never touched that part of you. They couldn't.
