The narcissist's texts will fire off in exactly the same way they do. They read like breaths, rather than thought-out words that make sense and seem regulated. If you scroll through your thread with them, you'll notice patterns of returning to the same concepts, the same words; the same approach.
I sit with people every week who scroll back through these threads and go, "Wait, he said this exact line in 2021 too?" Yes. Yes, he did. Same script, different day.
The texts themselves? They aren't loving, or little notes to you. Each one is a tool, and today is breaking down their favorite kinds of texts, alongside their meaning.
1 Opening vaguely, seeking attention
Hey. So, can we talk? I've got something that I need to ask you. Are you around tonight, and free? What's missing, I hear you ask yourself.
I had a client message me at 2am once saying, "He sent 'we need to talk' six hours ago and now he's offline." Six hours of her stomach in knots. Mission accomplished for him.
Well, only the actual reason they're wanting to text you. This won't really matter with the narcissist. Telling you why would be too easy for them, yet would prevent you from sitting, waiting and anticipating.
The reason this is one of their favorite text message approaches is because they want that cliffhanger. What happens after that is your thoughts become preoccupied with what's going on, and you're thinking and assuming every possibility that runs through your mind
Being vague is designed to mess with your mind…
…and it works.
2 Late night incoming…
In the darkness of the night, your phone lights up on your bedside cabinet and wakes you. What's the time??... …1:58am?! There must be some kind of an emergency, right? Wrong! It's the narcissist, testing you to see how loyal and willing you are to reply.
A client of mine once got hit with, "Couldn't sleep, you popped into my head." Sweet, right? Until she realised he'd sent the exact same line two years earlier.
I was just thinking… Do you remember when we…? I hope you're doing okay. Don't, I repeat do not mistake this for some kind of check in. This is about how tethered you still are to them, and if you're willing to explore their latest round of hoovering or not.
If you respond with warmth, they will know immediately. If not, they'll give it a few days or a week and try again. For the narcissist, this is a maximum impact text without actually doing much out of their way to connect at all.
3 The emotional, drawn out paragraph
You'd better prepare for this one, because it has the potential to be the start of some psycho-love thriller Hollywood blockbuster. The word count is 350. It's full of love, emotions, and reflection.
You read the growth, you spot they've done some thinking, and it's all laced with a new blend of maturity you've not seen before. First off, we now live in a world where AI exists, and narcissists love to use it to curate most heartfelt messages.
A client showed me a 400 word essay once, full of poetry about her eyes and his regrets. Two days later he called her a psycho on the phone. Same guy, same week.
I don't know whether you want to hear it or not, but it really happens. No thought, just the right words. Second, if it's off the back of doing something wrong, this long text will contain zero accountability.
There will be no apology, it's just designed to hook you back in again and forgive them without earning it. Next week, they will be hurting you all over again.
4 Any story about anybody else
You won't believe what my friend did. This guy I work with is unbelievable. My mum is driving me insane. Okay…great.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseAnd notice how the villain changes every week? Last week it was the sister, this week it's a coworker, next week it'll be the neighbour. There's always somebody.
Now you have to sit and read while the narcissist fires off all their moans and groans to you, and you're listening to the story of their latest villain in their life. Three things are going on at the same time here.
The first is that you're being trusted, the second is that you're expected to agree with the narcissist and take their side, and the third is that the narcissist is creating a distraction from whatever you're going through.
Everything has to revolve around them, and if you try to sway it another way, it just won't work. This is well worth remembering, especially if this happens regularly to you.
5 The covert, yet somehow so obvious humble brag
My boss told me today that he couldn't run the business without me, which just seems ridiculous. I got invited to this convention that's going to be televised, which I don't even want to go to.
I had two people fighting over me to serve me at the grocery store today. They were obviously so bored!
One client showed me a text from her ex that read, "Just got stopped in the street again, people are so weird." Stopped for what? We never found out.
You get these kinds of texts that look as though the narcissist is casually mentioning a part of their day and what happened, but what's really going on is the self-compliment they can't help but drop.
These texts are reminders that the narcissist is in demand, even if the links to that are incredibly tenuous. It's an excuse to seem important, and they want to train you to believe it, too.
Sometimes you may notice these sorts of texts coming through after you've had a fight with the narcissist.
That's no coincidence; instead it's a way for the narcissist to reassert their dominance, and show you that in conflict, you're messing with someone who they think is worth more than you are.
6 The 'test'
Who was that you tagged in your story? Are you going out tonight? What did you do last night? Who did you bump into at the gym that delayed your journey home so much? These may seem like simple questions, but they're laced with the surveillance of your movements.
The narcissist wants to know (and feels it's their right to know) your life. Has someone new entered it?
One client of mine got hit with, "Just curious, who's Mark?" three times in one evening. Curious my foot. That's an interrogation wearing a smile, isn't it?
What do they mean to you? As much as they will deny it, the narcissist is panicking. The questions themselves, however, will be framed innocently and casually, but they won't quit following up on what you're answering with, which is the moment you know you're being tested.
If you want to take this as a warning, that'd be fine with me. Think about you asking these sorts of questions to them. They wouldn't tolerate it, and nor should you. Time to re-evaluate the information you provide!
7 The dropping of some guilt
Okay… not sure what I did exactly. Hope you're all good. I miss the way we were before. It's such a shame we ended up here like this.
And notice how vague it all is? "Not sure what I did exactly." They know. They just want you to fill in the blanks and do the emotional homework for them.
I want you to know and understand that it was never my intention to hurt you. If you look closely, you'll see every one of those text examples had no responsibility attached to them.
No action; just a layer of guilt they want you to walk into and carry it for the both of you. For them, a guilt drop costs nothing, but for you, it takes up so much energy.
8 The 'non-emergency' trick
You fall for it because you're a caring person, but in truth, there's nothing the narcissist follow up with after the initial:
Can you call when you get a chance? It's urgent. Something happened. Can you reply ASAP?
I had a client who left work mid shift after one of these texts. Turned out he wanted her to weigh in on a parking dispute. A parking dispute!
Of course, your heart is racing now, and you want to know what's going on. The narcissist informs you that they bumped into a long lost school friend. There was a little bit of conflict at the gym, and they want to relay it to you for fun.
The key is the emergency got your attention, and the narcissist knows you'll drop everything to be there for them. You prioritize them, and they love that about you…
…but they don't love you.
9 The 'Wyd?' That Means Everything and Nothing
Ah, the "wyd?" text. Three letters that pretend to be casual and breezy, but trust me, nothing about it is casual.
On the surface, it's just a check in. Innocent. The kind of text a friend might send. But when a narcissist sends it? It's a probe. It's a temperature check. It's them sticking a finger in the water to see how warm you still are towards them.
What are you really up to? Who are you with? Have you moved on? Are you available if I decide I want you tonight?
And here's the kicker. If you don't reply fast enough, suddenly you're "ignoring" them. If you reply too eagerly, they've got you. They'll vanish for three days, and then? "Wyd?" again. Like nothing happened.
It's the lowest effort message in the world, isn't it? No vulnerability, no real interest, no actual conversation starter. Just a fishing line cast into your inbox to see if you'll bite.
And the worst part? For so long, you did.
10 The Sudden Apology That Isn't Really One
You know the one. It pings through at 11pm and says something like, "I'm sorry if you felt that way."
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatIf you felt that way. Read it again. There's no ownership in there, is there? No admission. Just a vague little shrug dressed up as an apology.
I've had clients show me these texts and honestly, my reaction is always the same. I cringe. Because they aren't sorry. They're testing the door to see if it's still open.
Sometimes it's, "I know I'm not perfect, but neither are you." Oh, lovely. A two for one. An apology and a dig in the same breath.
Or the long winded one. Paragraphs and paragraphs that sound deep, but if you actually break it down, they never once say the thing they did wrong. It's all feelings, all fog, no accountability.
And what does it do? It pulls you back into thinking about them. Even if you don't reply, you're thinking. And that's the whole point.
Don't fall for it.
