There's nothing written in the stars, or in any book to tell you that you're not a narcissist's priority. Moreso, no single narcissist is going to admit to you that you don't matter to them as much as other things, and I think that's a huge thing to remember here.
Telling and showing are not the same though, and it's in the everyday actions of a narcissist that will prove to you that you mean very little to them. They're consistent with this.
And that consistency is the giveaway. One off bad day? Fine, we all have those. But when the pattern never breaks, you're not looking at a mistake. You're looking at a message.
Want to talk about that some more? You came to the right place!
1 Plans? Are you talking to me?
You all know what I'm talking about, right? The first step of being anyone's priority is having plans that are actually kept and remembered. When you make them with a narcissist, you're not going to have that. You remind them and you get the usual:
Yeah, something came up. Let's reschedule. I have an appointment I can't get out of. I totally forgot. You don't matter, and there are a thousand ways a narcissist will make you know that. I know this can happen once, and I get that plans change and things spring up.
Emergencies fire off in life that we have no control over, but this isn't that. The narcissist will cancel on you the second something better comes along. A shiny invitation or opportunity arises, and you're out the window fast. That's because you serve a certain place, and not a priority.
They reschedule, keep you hanging on, and make you feel hopeful just 'in case.'
What then? You waste time and energy and for what?
I had a client sit in a restaurant for ninety minutes once, ordering water, texting him, telling herself the traffic must be bad. He was at a friend's barbecue.
2 Chasing, chasing, chasing
I know from all your messages how it feels to be the one who is always reaching out first. I want you to think about the last conversations you had with the narcissist. Who instigated?
You're trying so hard to maintain a relationship that they're constantly criticizing, yet you don't see half the effort coming from their corner. That's because they give no effort. The narcissist is never bothered, but they want you to keep chasing them like your life depended on it.
The narcissist actually has zero urgency when it comes to reaching out. They don't want to check in with you to see if you're okay, and as you're the one who's doing all the work, you're wondering what kind of priority you are to them. You're not.
And when you stop, days can go by without a sound.
One woman told me she went quiet for eleven days once, just to test it. Nothing. Not a single message. That silence was her whole answer.
That silence should tell you a lot about the situation, and if you're willing to look at it properly, you'll see who cares and who really doesn't. Remember, nobody is ever too busy to reach out and reply, or ask how you're doing. Don't believe their excuses or lies.
3 Listening just enough
Have you had a conversation with the narcissist lately? How did that go for you? I ask because I want you to think about the dynamics of any chat with a narcissist, and what you're talking about. How you got on at work today.
How your sick mother is doing lately. What you're thinking about doing over the weekend together. Birthday plans you want to make. That renovation you're wanting to do to the kitchen. The new car that you're picking up next week. The issue with the boiler. You're mid-sentence, and what happens?
See also 7 Weaknesses Every Narcissist Has That Will Destroy Them In The EndOr worse, you get the fake nod. The, "Yeah, yeah, that sounds good babe," while their eyes stay glued to the phone. You know that nod.
The narcissist looks as though they're a million miles away. Mmmhmmm. You hear the mutter, and you see them drift away without you. They're not listening even just one little bit, and again, you're left feeling like anything you say or do doesn't matter.
Soon enough, the narcissist has changed the subject to be all about them…. Again. This is a classic situation to be in, and it happens over and over again.
Nothing ever gets resolved or talked about unless the narcissist wants to do something, and that leaves you feeling like nothing you say, do or want matters. Before you know it, your news, your moment, they've been slurped down the drain never to be seen again.
All because the narcissist wants to dominate the conversation, probably steering it back to them, while you have to just go along with whatever subject interests them. No, it's not fair.
4 "Sure thing, I'll let you know"
Black hole alert! Yeah, I'll think about it. I'll get back to you. I'll check my diary. Ask me again later. I don't know, I've been so busy I haven't had time to check. You're not a priority. Sorry, I didn't want to be blunt, but that's what's happening here.
The narcissist will never come back to you, but will probably tell you that it's important and they will at some point. That point never comes, so you're left with the confirmation that something important isn't being addressed.
Meanwhile they've got time to scroll for two hours, meet their buddy for lunch, book a haircut. Just no time for the one thing you actually asked about.
How long do you give it before you realize that your plans with them are never going to take off? How long until you open your eyes and see that all your waiting and hoping and wishing are nothing but a waste of time? It's painful, I know.
You don't want to have to admit it, but you have to look at how a narcissist treats you, not the words they use to keep you hooked. Not those breadcrumbs.
They will never change, and the sooner you know that, the sooner you can save yourself a whole heap of pain in the future, too.
5 Your big moments are shrunk by the narcissist's mediocre reactions
Something happened that you want to share with the narcissist, and it's big. You're over the moon, and you tell them your big news. Your new job offer. Your new project got approved. You won a competition.
It won't matter what it is, but it does matter that you're greeted with quite possibly the most lukewarm response you've ever had. Why? Because you don't matter. They aren't happy because they aren't bothered. Unless it's them, nothing and nobody else is registering on their list of priorities.
You'll get an, "Oh, that's nice," while they carry on scrolling. Meanwhile, if they land the smallest win, you're expected to throw confetti and cancel your evening for it.
6 Lucky to have their time?... Sure…
It's pretty cruel to make anyone think they're lucky to have your time. I'm so busy, you're lucky I'm here. You're lucky I even answered the phone. You're lucky I am the only one paying the bills. You're lucky I can afford this.
Stop all this nonsense; that's what I want to say to the narcissist. Instead of you being able to actually enjoy moments, you're spending your time feeling grateful that they even exist because they wouldn't without the narcissist.
One client told me her ex used to say, "You're lucky I put up with you." She thanked him for it. For years. Let that land properly.
We all know that's a lie, right? Deep down, you do, too. These crumbs aren't supposed to be what you're living for, yet you get them so rarely that when they do fall at your feet, you feel over the moon to be able to receive them.
That's where every narcissist wants you. They want you to be happy that they've said hi, or done something they should be doing anyway. That's not how this works, and you know it. Once you see that this priority doesn't exist for you, you cannot unsee it.
I hope that helps.
7 The bare minimum dressed up as effort
You know what I'm talking about. They pick up milk on the way home and act like they've just built you a house. They send one text back after ignoring you all day and expect a parade.
The bar is on the floor, and they're still tripping over it.
I had a woman tell me recently that her partner remembered her birthday with a gas station card, and when she didn't light up like a Christmas tree, he sulked for three days. Three days. Over a card he grabbed while filling up his tank.
That's the trick. They do the least, then they dress it up with words like, "I've been trying so hard for you," or, "Nothing I do is ever enough, is it?"
And you start to wonder if you're the ungrateful one. You're not. You're just someone who noticed that basic decency is being sold to you as a grand gesture.
Real effort doesn't need a presentation. It doesn't need reminding. It just happens, quietly, because you matter to the person doing it.
8 Emergencies? Only theirs count
You could be in the ER with a fever of 103, and somehow the conversation ends up being about their bad day at work.
Their flat tire? Drop everything. Your grandmother in the hospital? "Text me when you're done, I've got stuff going on."
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI've watched this play out in so many ways. The partner who took the car when their girlfriend needed to get to a funeral, because they had "plans." The husband who scheduled a golf game the day his wife had surgery.
The mother who wanted her daughter to leave labor to bring her some shopping.
Every crisis you have is somehow inconvenient for them. Every crisis they have is a five alarm fire that requires your full attention, full sympathy, and probably a home cooked meal on the side.
And the message underneath all that? Your emergencies are dramatic. Theirs are real. Your fear is annoying. Theirs is valid.
You start to notice you're the one holding it together for everyone, including them, while nobody is holding anything together for you.
