Narcissistic abuse isn't rare at all. In fact, it's happening in so many homes, behind closed doors.
At a place nobody else can see, narcissists make their victims feel worthless, unlovable, and anxious.
To top it all off, narcissists also punish their victims for absolutely no reason.
One way they love to do this is by using certain bedroom tactics. They're painful, and almost impossible to avoid if you're in a relationship with somebody this toxic.
Let's look at those 6 bedroom tactics right now.
#1 All affection withheld to punish you
You enter a relationship quite rightly wanting an aspect of it to be about affection.
And no, it's not all supposed to be affection and nothing else, but to be able to express and receive the things that make it a relationship and not a friendship; that's what a relationship is all about.
There's no such thing with a narcissist. Affection doesn't exist, and if it does, there is always some kind of condition or motive attached to it.
That's usually a ploy by the narcissist to keep control of whatever situation you're in with them.
When it comes to punishment, you can expect all affection to dry up.
It ceases to exist, and that's because the narcissist wants you to feel like you don't deserve any. Why? Who knows!
Maybe they feel like it. Perhaps they're bored. Maybe you didn't answer a question the way they wanted you to earlier on in the day.
Whatever the reason, it's not a good enough reason to wait until bed to raise your anxiety levels and leave you feeling like you've done something terrible to warrant this type of treatment.
You're punished. You're on the receiving end of whatever game the narcissist wants to play, and it's always going to boil down to withholding the thing you love getting the most.
A hug, a kiss, or more; affection will be kept from you until you've learned some kind of lesson you didn't even know you needed to learn.
When there's lack of affection, there's usually a thought process of the victim that goes:
What did I do wrong? I must have annoyed them. I can't believe I did that again. I'm unlovable. I need to work to earn their affection back.
You're dancing to their tune, and the narcissist loves every moment.
#2 Refusing to listen when you already said no
Whatever the no was for, you can guarantee, it was for a good reason.
And you know what? Sometimes you don't even need a reason to say no other than you simply don't want to say yes.
The narcissist, anybody, should respect a no. If they refuse to listen, it's a dirty habit to get into.
Before you know it, you're tangled up in something you don't want to be tangled up in, and no matter how much you try to get your point across, the narcissist just doesn't listen.
They might hear the words, sure, but they don't want to hear the word no. If you defy them, you're the one in control…
…The narcissist cannot have that.
So you're there, being punished because you don't feel it's in your hands, and that can be devastating to a lot of people, especially when that no is to something pretty serious that you end up having to endure.
#3 Using sex like it's some kind of transaction
Did something that pleased the narcissist today? They might thank you or reward you with sex.
To you, it's a chance to get close and connect for a time. It's wonderful to feel wanted and loved, but this isn't about either of those things.
Instead, the narcissist is treating sex like a transaction. They want to provide you with it, rather than share it with you, and that's so telling in terms of what their end game is.
To please you, to pacify you, to make you get off their back for a while, sex is the answer.
It doesn't mean anything more to them than that, and I hate to even say that.
I always choose truth over anything else, and sometimes it can be an uncomfortable one to read.
#4 Using comparison (and I mean in and out of bed)
I wish I could limit comparison to one situation only, but narcissists are great at using it both in and out of bed.
There can't be much worse than hearing that you aren't as a good a lover as their ex, or how they had a partner once who really valued their needs.
What did you do so wrong for this punishment? There shouldn't really be anything you do that justifies this kind of reaction, but narcissists use it to continue their quest to make you feel small and unlovable.
For victims, they tend to lean into what they hear, and try their best to fit the mold the narcissist is demanding they fit into.
I'll be better. I will work on my intimacy skills. I'm sorry I am not what you want me to be. It's my fault.
No, no and no.
The second you start listening to these comparisons is right where the narcissist knows they've got you.
This is about control, and manipulating you into feeling as though you're a thorn in their side rather than a person they actually want to be with.
#5 Instead of feeling wanted, you feel watched
If it feels as though the narcissist is watching your every move, rather than enjoying it, it's probably because that's exactly what they're doing.
What do they want, to take notes? Trust me; if they could, they would. It really is a case of being judged each time you gesture, touch or kiss.
They want to pick fault with what you do and how you approach them in the bedroom, and that proves one thing:
A narcissist can never really be in the moment.
Instead, they're constantly guarding themselves while creating this awkward distance in between you both, even if your limbs are passionately entangled.
You want connection, they want to criticize, even when they should be enjoying themselves.
It feels like a strong punishment, and that constant feeling you've done something wrong, even when you haven't.
#6 Ensuring all emotional chaos is left right on the bed
You could have the most chilled day, and what happens?
You go into the bedroom to sleep, and the narcissist follows you and dumps all their emotional chaos right there on the sheets for you.
Suddenly, the last thing you want to do is go to sleep, and you toss and turn all night.
You wake up, and those moods and that anger are still lingering in the air, but as soon as you leave the bedroom, everything feels much lighter.
This is a classic narcissistic tactic used to keep you from getting a restful night's sleep.
As soon as you try to start your day, you're left with them grinning at you and leaving for work like nothing happened.
And you? You spend the day propping open your eyes with matchsticks because you're so tired.
It's a punishment, yet you did nothing wrong.
