I want to tell you that narcissistic abuse won't leave you dealing with physical and mental consequences; those precious things you lose due to the abuse of another.
I'd be lying to you, and that's why today reaches into the pain survivors feel when they experience the loss that comes with loving the wrong person. There are 5 painful things that are common to feel when narcissistic abuse affects you, and today is all about discovering exactly what they are.
#1 Trusting your own reactions: all ability gone
Stolen cruelly from you, and without any conscience or care from the narcissist. Your own reactions were questioned for years and years. The narcissist made sure they kept you confused, and whenever you tried to speak up or voice an opinion, you were made to feel crazy.
You were made to feel like the things you experienced didn't happen. You were made to feel like your emotions were wrong or invalid in some way.
As a survivor, that means you're looking at a future of uncertainty. Unless you can work hard to believe that what you feel aligns with your reality, you will be left without the ability to trust what's going on in your world.
It's not as if it's gone forever, or that you never had it in the first place; this is all down to the narcissist, and how over time, they've re-programmed you to doubt yourself constantly.
When you feel happy, you wonder what there is to truly be happy about. When you feel sad, you try to talk yourself out of it by saying you shouldn't have anything to complain about. When you're angry you tell yourself that you're overreacting.
There is nothing wrong with how you react, and everything wrong with how the narcissist has left you feeling.
#2 All friendships that were created pre-narcissist
Before you met the narcissist, you will have had some kind of friendship circle. Some are naturally smaller than others, and that's okay, but you will have had people to turn to. Those you lean on since your time with the narcissist became stronger and more intense will have fallen by the wayside.
Isolation tactics will have been proven to be successful here, as the narcissist smiles knowingly, seeing you more and more alone without anybody you'd usually have to call or text in a crisis. You slowly learned that the only person you have in your corner was the narcissist, and they were purposely cold toward you.
You felt even more alone.
To lose friendships you had before you met the narcissist is painful, and a reminder of just how much they loved to control who you spoke to, who you saw, and who you considered a trusted person in your life.
For them, their biggest threat to your relationship was the influence others had on you. If they can erase those, the only influence left is them.
That suddenly turns from having positive people, to having one single toxic person who drags you down and makes you feel worthless. The worst part is, you have nobody around you to pick you up and make you feel better.
There aren't any pains that are much worse.
#3 Your spontaneous side
You used to pride yourself on jumping out of bed every morning and being open to what the day might bring. You didn't hesitate in suggesting a road trip, or visiting your relatives or friends in the city.
You'd eat somewhere you'd never eaten before because, why not? Life was for living, and new experiences made you feel enriched, and more zesty.
It's safe to say that zest disappeared the more time you stayed with the narcissist. Part of their campaign of abuse is to erode you of everything you had that gave your life any kind of fulfillment.
It doesn't seem that way at the time because it doesn't happen overnight, and I think that's key to remember here. You don't wake up one morning and notice a difference until enough happens that you do see somebody you don't recognize staring back at you in the mirror.
Where did that person go? What happened? When did it happen?
You can't answer any of these questions because there's no one moment to pinpoint, and that's what is so evil and creepy about narcissistic abuse.
When your spontaneity has been taken from you, you're left being this person who is rigid to their days and times, and who spend every moment anticipating what comes next, rather than enjoying each day from the last.
#4 All those years
My goodness. That's a lot, isn't it? I think some might argue that this is the most painful aspect of narcissistic abuse, and something every single survivor loses…
…Time.
You can't get it back. You can't replay it. You can't replace it with more time. The only thing you have left is the time you have left from today.
The years you spent with the narcissist were wasted, but if I can offer you any kind of solace, it's that you can take important lessons from it.
These lessons may not be a time substitute, but they can offer you a form of clarity that you can use for your future. They can be your promise to yourself to never fall for charm ever again, and to always take your time getting to know somebody before they are allowed entry to your hopes, fears and vulnerabilities.
Finding somebody with a healthy disposition, and emotion regulation can only come from knowing what it's like to not have those things in a relationship.
I say all of this like you still won't grieve that lost time; I know you will, and that's okay. It's normal to feel like you've missed out, and normal to feel as if you regret the whole relationship from start to finish.
But what you do have is now.
#5 The idea that you're easy to love
When you're stuck in a dynamic where it feels as though you can never say or do the right thing, it's easy to think that it must be you who is impossibly difficult to love.
When you're always told that you're the problem, you'll eventually start believing it.
That doesn't mean you are, it just means you've been left living this lie that you've bought, and now you're faced with a future without them and that belief that nobody else will love you.
In truth, you were never difficult. The narcissist made you feel that way because they enjoyed controlling how you feel about yourself, and you didn't realize that control was occurring.
The best advice I can offer you here is to re-evaluate your time with the narcissist for what it really was. Think about how they acted toward you, and how you felt about yourself before you met them.
Love is a strong concept, and there is nothing difficult about feeling it. Yes, it takes work to make a relationship work, but that is a two-way thing, and not something that should be placed on just one person.
That's why taking the blame is the narcissist's way of copping out on being accountable for the damage they caused.
