The whole world gets to see this amazing, charming man who is nice and kind and gentle and funny. Whispers and comments of, "You're so lucky," and, "He must be so nice to live with" echo through your tired ears. If only they knew.
Nobody sees the real narcissist behind this veil of pretense except you, his unlucky spouse.
I had a woman tell me once, "Everyone thinks I won the lottery marrying him." She said it while shaking, sat opposite me, unable to finish her coffee.
Shall we talk about that a little more? I feel like we need to, for your own sakes. Behind closed doors, it's no joke…
1 I know, he seems so lovely
That's always going to be the first thing I talk about with you; how lovely he seemed to you, and how lovely he still seems to so many people who don't know the true story. That's the whole point though; this is every single narcissist to a tee.
They perform, and they do it so well. It's believable to everyone else just as it was once believable to you when you first met them. You thought they were the good guy, and you truly assumed they meant every single word they said. Why would you think otherwise?
They're so charming and attentive, and made you feel like you were the only person in the world. It stands to reason then, that they sold every lie to you as a promise, and you hoped and waited for them all to come true some day. Now?
Now you know the truth, yet to everybody else, you still hear:
He is so lovely. I love how supportive he is of you. You two are so cute together. He'd do anything for you. Oh my God, your husband is hilarious. It's so nice to see you both so happy. Both so happy? That's exactly what the problem is, isn't it?
You're not both happy at all, only you've gotten just as good as he is at pretending.
I had a client tell me she practiced her laugh in the car before dinner parties. By the time they arrived, she looked like the happiest wife in the room.
You know. You know it hurts, and deep down, you're still having to endure the lies and smile through it all like nothing's wrong.
2 Nobody notices these things
You know the kinds of things…
The way he criticizes how you look right before you leave for that big event. He looks you up and down and says so casually, "Is that what you're choosing to wear?" It's enough to make you doubt your choice, and your body.
He interrupts you in front of other people. He finishes your sentences wrong, or laughs at the way you said or remembered something. He then laughs, like he was just trying to be affectionate.
And when you flinch, he goes, "Wow, can't you take a joke?" Suddenly you're the uptight one, the sensitive one, the one ruining a perfectly nice evening.
He makes sure he remembers every little thing he's ever done for you. He keeps that list in his mind and drags it out whenever you feel marginally unhappy.
He uses phrases such as, "After everything I've done for you," and, "I am working myself into the dirt for you, and this is how you treat me." He says, "Do you know how many women would beg and plead to be in your position?"
See also 7 Weaknesses Every Narcissist Has That Will Destroy Them In The EndYou hear and experience it daily, yet nobody else has a clue what you go through each and every day. He destroys you, not in the obvious, heartbreaking way, but in ways that only show up for you to witness.
Everyone else thinks he's the hero, and that's got to be a very lonely place to be.
3 She stopped trying to explain what's going on
It's got to happen at some point, hasn't it? Why would you keep trying to explain it when it so obviously is never going to be believed by people. Why would they believe this version of the narcissist that you're pretending, when all they see is someone totally different?
People end up looking at you like you're the problem, not the narcissist. It doesn't make sense. He seems like he loves you so much. Maybe he was having a bad day? Are you just feeling a little stressed in general and sensitive to this?
He adores you, it's obvious to everyone. That's it. He made it so obvious to everyone that there's no way you can possibly try to persuade people to listen to you and hear what you're really saying. So you go quiet. You give up. What's the point?
You just learn to manage his behavior, because you feel like confronting him would just end up being a total waste of time. You learn how to read his moods, what to not talk about, and what his silences mean.
You learn to also know which subjects to go to in order to create a safe space between you, maybe sport or weather; whatever it may be. In other words, you're surviving. You're doing what you can to stay afloat in an ocean that is incredibly stormy and volatile.
One woman told me she memorised his footsteps on the stairs, could tell from the pace alone what kind of night she was in for. That's not living.
Nobody should have to do that.
4 Love? Really?
I know people say it, and some victims of narcissistic abuse genuinely believe it is love, but how can you be so sure? Love is not all of this. It's not control that seems to be dressed up in fake smiles and lots of pretense.
Love doesn't depend on someone else being smaller than them in order to feel big. Love doesn't try to change your memories or opinions. Love doesn't dismiss you, or mock you for liking what you like.
Love doesn't abuse while dressing it up every now and then as someone to cherish. He wants to own you, not love you. If you're calling it marriage just because you exchanged vows and rings, you're missing the point that it's simply a form of survival and nothing more.
I sat with a woman last year who whispered, "But he says he loves me every day." I asked her what he does the other twenty three hours. Silence.
Love is not what you become used to, and it isn't a familiarity that you tolerate. Love is love. Love is not this.
5 How he treats you tells you everything
You will learn everything from how a man treats the people he's closest to. Sure, you can go to the dinner party and watch him charm every single person in the room, but are they getting the full picture?
Are they putting on a performance that tells those other people how nice he is, while you recall the slamming doors and holes in the wall from his fist? Yes. Yes is the answer.
The narcissist has nothing to prove to you, and all the while you're seeing that version, you're seeing the real man behind that act.
The mask is for them, the misery is for you. And he sleeps just fine at night knowing that split exists, because it works for him.
The real man shows up for you, while he pretends to be perfect for everyone else, and I know how tiring that must be for you. You can't even spend a dollar from the joint account without him asking you what you bought and if it was really necessary.
You don't deserve to live like that, nobody does. To have your feelings dismissed while they demand your attention is equally not fair, and you're sick of having to play that role. This will be your life, if you allow it to be.
6 It's not your imagination
If you're reading this and thinking, "Wow, this sounds like my life," you're not here by accident. You're here because you're learning the truth about what you walked into.
Every woman I speak to has this same moment of realising she wasn't crazy after all. The relief mixed with grief is something I see over and over.
This is the point where I tell you it's not your imagination. You're not difficult or sensitive. You've been living with this person who saved their worst self for when it was more difficult for you to walk away. That says it all.
7 The day you realize your friends actually like him more than you
That one hits different. You're at a birthday dinner, or a barbecue, and you clock it. The way your best friend laughs a little too long at his joke. The way your sister asks about him before she asks about you.
And you sit there thinking, wait. Wait. Do they actually like him more?
Yes. Some of them do. Because he gives them the polished version. The charming one. The one who remembers their kid's name and brings the good wine and asks thoughtful questions about their job. They get the highlight reel. You get the leftovers.
I've heard this from women more times than I can count. "My own mother told me I was lucky to have him." Imagine hearing that after the night you had. After what he said to you in the car on the way there.
It's a lonely feeling, isn't it? Sitting at a table full of people who love a man you no longer recognize when the door closes behind you.
And you can't explain it without sounding bitter. So you don't.
8 What it costs you to keep the peace
Keeping the peace with a narcissist has a price tag, and you're the one footing the bill.
You stop mentioning things that bother you. You laugh off the comment that stung. You eat the dinner you didn't want because saying so isn't worth the three day sulk. Small stuff, right? Except it isn't small when you add it all up.
Bit by bit, you disappear. Your opinions get softer. Your voice gets quieter. You start editing yourself before you've even opened your mouth, running every sentence through a filter of "will this set him off?"
And here's what nobody warns you about. The peace you're buying isn't real peace. It's just the absence of an argument you already lost. You're paying in pieces of yourself for a quiet that could break the second he decides he's bored.
I hear women say, "It's easier to just agree." I get it. I really do. But easier for today usually means you wake up in five years wondering where you went.
