I want you to remember the following four words I'm about to share with you for as long as you can:
Healing is never linear.
It's a three steps forward, two steps back kind of situation, but one that you can still take after experiencing narcissistic abuse.
You are healing, but it may seem like everything around and within you is falling apart.
These 5 signs will help confirm that, so if you want reassurance and validation that you're on track, you've come to the right place.
#1 Before you feel better, you feel a whole lot worse
I know how amazing it would be to go to bed feeling like trash and waking up a brand new person, with all fears and traumas gone right out the window.
You want to close your eyes, and sleep the abuse off. You want to awaken feeling confident, happy and most of all, like you again.
Let me tell you:
Healing doesn't happen that way.
There is some good news among the fact that you will feel worse before you get better, and that is this…
…Feeling worse still means you're healing.
I know I sound crazy, but hear me out. Healing is not about feeling better all of a sudden.
It's about leaning into what happened, unpacking it, seeing and feeling the abuse for what it truly was, and understanding the many layers to it.
You've got the space and time to absorb it all, plus the shock of realizing that your future is wide open and does not contain your abuser.
That is a lot. I don't blame you for feeling terrible before you start to rebuild your life, because that's the natural line of healing.
There is no, "I get better and stronger every day by feeling happy and meditating."
The reality is, you are getting stronger every day, even if you feel as though you're falling apart, because it's part of a process, not a single click of your fingers moment where you're all better.
#2 Small decisions make you feel like you're spiraling
These decisions were probably once not even yours to get close to, let alone make for yourself.
You lived so long with a person who ruled the house, who controlled every aspect of yours and their daily life. Now?
It's all over.
You're healing, and suddenly you have every decision right at your fingertips, and it can feel overwhelming.
You feel like every single one that you're faced with leaves your head spinning, but let's look closely at what that actually means.
It means you're not used to it. It means you have to trust your own instincts or wishes in order to make that choice, and these are the things the narcissist took from you during your time together.
There's no danger to making decisions, yet you will feel as though there's everything wrong with them because you have just never been handed them before.
It's as if you weren't trusted, but now you have to start to learn to trust yourself and be okay with that.
It can be done, I assure you. You aren't falling apart. This is just new territory for you, but it's territory you need to explore all the same.
#3 The oddest things make you cry, yet the real things leave you numb
Right when you least expect it, right? And that's the key point to remember in all of this.
You were in a relationship of whatever kind it was where you did not and could not predict what came next.
Moods were only readily obvious when they exposed themselves, and not two minutes before, the air around you may have been a heavy contrast to what suddenly spills over.
You're used to anticipating, and with that comes the anxiety of what will be. You can never predict, because the narcissist was always so difficult to predict.
On top of that is the reality of being triggered by the smallest, and seemingly most insignificant things.
While these things may appear to be odd, they may not always be the most random, and that's okay. It's all okay.
You're not a mess, and there's nothing wrong with you for feeling how you feel.
The main thing is that you are using these moments to reflect and heal in some way, and it all counts.
You don't have to punish yourself for your emotions, and even more beautifully, there's now nobody around to punish you for them, either.
#4 The truth starts pouring out, even if it's a lot
It feels like such a lot because it is. Look, I won't sugarcoat narcissistic abuse, nor will I downplay it.
The whole experience from start to finish is one big trauma, and for you to come out the other end knowing that your future looks brighter is all you can hope for.
The truth; your entire time with the narcissist, will unfold over time.
You will gasp and cry, you will have moments where it all comes together and you see it for what it all was.
You will wonder how you survived it all, and it'll make you feel as though you're a broken person, destined to remain in pieces for the rest of your life.
That's not the case at all, but I do know that it can feel like that for a little while.
This part of healing is a little bit like breaking eggs to make an omelet.
You know you need to do it, and of course, it doesn't sound like you should be making anything if the first step is to break something.
But that's what you need to do, and if you feel broken, it'll be because you are.
That doesn't mean you can't fix yourself.
Take each day as it comes, and know that you are heading toward a stronger version of yourself, even if that person feels far away right now.
#5 Where guilt once lived, rage awakens
You spent so much time feeling guilt and shame, and it will have made everything you do and say feel so heavy. Now you're faced with a different kind of emotion; that of rage.
You don't spend your life angry, because you know it won't do you any good.
However, you do feel anger for all the times you were made to feel like everything was your fault, and that you were some kind of burden.
In fact, you were not. You were pinned as a problem so that the narcissist could get away scotfree with being the real problem.
Their lack of accountability became your weight to bear, and you will never forget those endless moments that made you feel terrible.
You're angry, and you have every right to be. How you were treated is nothing short of unjust, and it will give you all those falling apart feelings that you are allowed to feel.
So feel them, because it's all part of the process of healing that you need to experience.
You won't always be angry, but it has to come in these stages in order for your healing to happen healthily.
